I walked into the studio and felt the sweat begin to bead on my forehead. I had watched girls disrobe and grin all day long. Gorgeous bodies that had carried babies, given birth at home or in a hospital, vaginally or surgically, bodies that had been forever changed. And bodies that were being celebrated not as mothers now, but as sexy women.

The photographer began to snap and I didn’t feel that calm that I watched wash over so many others. I didn’t feel that relaxed confidence that I had seen them all embrace. I felt more awkward, more fat, more sweaty. Then she stopped. Looked me square in the eye and said “don’t change a thing.” 

Tiffany turned the camera around and I saw this.

 And tears sprung to my eyes. Because I don’t want to change a thing. For the first time I can remember.

I have felt like not only would it be incorrect to think I am beautiful but that it would be wrong and prideful. That doing something that the soul purpose was to celebrate my body would be somehow selfish/gross. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

After receiving my photos I walk taller. Feel more love for my husband. And can own my womanhood free of motherhood with a wielding power that feels incredible. My body was forever changed by birth, and my eyes hold experiences and intense love that I never knew possible, my girls have changed me forever. But they haven’t ruined me. They have empowered me to realize how important it is to think I am gorgeous.

I regularly tell others that they are beautiful and I mean it. I daily tell my girls how beautiful, smart, strong, well made, and awesome they are; and I mean it. But to myself? I toss on whatever is on the floor, reject all the compliments Charlie lavish’s on me, and cast off confidence like it’s a prideful rag I can’t stand to put on.

Since this shoot I have been picking up confidence and robing myself in it. Taking True words about myself and allowing them to hang on me beautifully. I have been looking in the mirror and seeing what Charlie sees, what I should see, and not staring into the flaws with intensity. Because I was not designed with that in mind.

¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

(from Psalm 139)

I had these photos taken for a few reasons.

The biggest reasons was to have something beautiful to show my girls when they have a low moment about their body. The short legs they inherited from me, the small waist and ample hips, the tiny curvy feet, the cheeks that apple up with every smile. There is a photo of my Mom on a swing set in a mini skirt with big blond hair, little waist, and wide smile. It is sexy, gorgeous, and affirming. I look at it and see her but I also look at it and can see me and my sister, I can see where we came from and appreciate the pieces of me that I inherited and have been less than loving to. I want my girls to find themselves in these photos and be able to have that same recognition of inherited beauty that I get when I see my Mom’s sparkling eyes, little whoo nose, and short strong legs.

I left with a gift as big and bigger. I left with the ability to see myself through someone else’s eyes. To see a person who is wonderfully made. Who is strong. Confident. Gorgeous.

Because, guess what? It is more than okay to think you are gorgeous. It isn’t socially acceptable, women are taught to speak lame words about themselves, to not appreciate their bodies, to cut themselves and other women down for any perceived flaw. But the truth is different. The truth is that healthy and strong is sexy. That every woman has so much beauty in them. That stepping back from the mirror, stepping away from where your eyes are drawn (the purple stretch marks and loose belly, the wide hips or fat thighs, the arms that wag, or the back with rolls) and see that all of that, all of you, all of me, it’s pretty damn remarkable. Not just for it’s accomplishments, but just because. Because it’s more than good and more than right to look at yourself and think and say “yes, I just look gorgeous. All of me.” Because you do.

It isn’t a size or number. It isn’t “real women have curves.” because we are all real women and beautiful in exactly the skin we have on today. I know that boudoir photography isn’t for everyone. But if you even think for one moment that you would glean something from it, get off the fence and do it (but only with a GREAT photographer). I can’t tell you enough how incredibly altering, beautiful, affirming, and marriage improving this was. I’m sharing a couple of photos, but saving the rest for Charlie (and a few for my little girls when they are bigger girls). I wasn’t planning on blogging about this, because really? Who wants to see pictures of some random Mom in a corset? But the experience was so much more than wearing lingerie for a picture.

I walked into that shoot with a despicable beast on my back whispering “Your body is ruined. You aren’t worth this. These will be so gross. Why would Charlie ever want to see this?” and I walked out free of that voice, that shame, and those words. And it’s been three weeks and I am still walking free of that horrible little voice.

Because this body? It’s just gorgeous.

Photography done by Tiffany Burke Photography , her facebook page is here.

Make-up by Love Beauty

and hair, duh, no-heat-curls

I fell off the wagon for a bit and got pretty heartily down on myself. So, instead of berating myself I am going a (new, blah) better and different route.

I cut myself some slack. Made some attainable goals. Took a short break. And am now getting back into the swing. Starting tomorrow I will do A Mile a Day till New Years Day. In short, I’ll run a mile each day. I need to dust off my shoes and get back into it and having a small goal (just till Jan.1!) is a great way for me to get motivated again. I am tracking what I eat on myfitnesspal.com but I am not being too militant about it. For now (December) I am tracking on most days but forgoing keeping close tabs on days where we have holiday parties. Instead of killing myself trying to figure out how many calories are in the three.five random crackers, some dip that someone else made, and a half a slice of chocolate pie… I am just being smart, not over doing it, and stopping when I feel full- oh, and LOADING up on water.

I don’t expect to lose during the holidays. My goal is to hold strong through till Jan.1 and then get back into fighting mode and start working on strength and distance again.

I am currently sitting at 7mo PP and somewhere between 4-9 pounds from my prepregancy weight. Not too shabby.

Also, I am finally getting the hang  of dressing this new body, and it feels good.

Just a couple more pounds. Just till the stretch marks fade a bit. Just till I look a little bit less gross. Six months came and went. And I waited. I have had these pictures ready to share for nearly 9months, but I was too scared to take my own to add to the pack.

But then I read this post tonight, and you should too. And I realized. There is no time like right now to start telling my girls that I am beautiful, and more than that, I need to mean it.

Beautiful isn’t fitting back into my jeans. It isn’t looking like I did before I had children. It isn’t even looking like I did before I had Nolie. It is so much bigger than any of that.

It is how Nolie traces my stretch marks and talks to me about how she hopes to have them one day.

It is how Charlie’s arm fits perfectly around my waist, right now. At this place and this size.

It is at 6am when I have nursed Ever all night long and Nolie climbs into bed and latches on, and the milk comes in.

It is how I feel in my dress and tall boots.

It is the reawakening of muscles I thought were dormant at the end of a long run.

It is my girls. Is it my motherhood. It is this body, today.

Beautiful is loving myself, being vocal about it, and encouraging other women to get out of their self hate ruts and find the beauty in right now.

Beautiful is the boldness in these photos.

Beautiful is birth. One baby, twins, c-sections, and home births. Every birth is represented in these photos and they are beautiful.

Beautiful are these Mamas. Mamas who stay home, Mamas who work, Mamas whose babies are grown and having babies of their own, and Mamas whose babies were taken too soon. Motherhood is beautiful.

Beautiful is taking the leap.

I stood in my room in my bra and pajamas aching to throw this post away. Not wanting to own the words that I know are true because they feel so wrong to adopt- I am beautiful. I am beautiful because Mothers (period.) are. My Mother is striking. Her beauty is evident in her actions, her eyes, her smile, her movements, how she loves, and her body- her body that mine mirrors. Hourglass shape, short strong legs, perfect Whoville nose, and bright green eyes. I am beautiful because my mother is beautiful. I am beautiful because my girls are beautiful. And because of my girls, I am bold. I am strong, empowered, and ready to be full of bravery.

On the left is my belly 7mo PP from Nolie, on the right is me 5.5mo PP from Ever. I was waiting on this post till I looked like “before”. I was waiting on the impossible because I am nothing like I was before. Just like when I had Nolie, I have been reborn again into a new Mother. A Mama of two. And a that is beautiful.

 Tomorrow I will get dressed in clothes that highlight my favorite parts. Tomorrow I will grin instead of smile and I will twirl with Nolie. Tomorrow I will remind my girls that we are one beautiful family.

To see the some full belly collages, go here (3rd trimester) and here (full term). Our bodies are incredible.

The last time I decided to “get healthy” (meaning, not drink much and work out a lot) I got pregnant, same with the time before, hmmmm what does that say? The better you feel physically the more likely  you are to throw all caution (and birth control, oops) to the wind? Yeah, basically. This time I have the added birth control of a toddler AND a baby, nothing kills the mood faster than crying babies, leaking boobs, extra skin and the idea that this would mean MORE lost sleep.

I started tracking my calories (using myfitnesspal.com) and working out (Stroller Strides!) now I am adding in something new to hopefully keep this momentum going- Muds to Suds Race. I am SO excited. 17 obstacles, walls to scale and crazy mud pits. This will be a serious test of strength and I know Nolie is going to think it is super awesome. I am doing it with a group of other Moms and we are training and getting strong and fit for this. I can’t wait! and. . . I am super terrified.

I am getting there slowly and the weight is still coming off. I am 16 pounds down from my 6 week PP check and about 32 pounds down from my “delivery” weight. I feel like the changes I am making are sustainable, I still each chocolate and indulge in whatever sounds good but I am not doing it every day and not eating SO much of it. Also I am being sure to go to my Stroller workout and if I miss it I go for a run that evening. I just have to remember that putting in the effort, doing this slowly and making it an overall change is WORTH all this mind work. Battling with my desire to have this weight drop off fast and my crutch of “lack of self control” is hard so hard. But I am seeing the results, albeit slowly, they are happening.

These are dated weeks postpartum (check out that belly on number one!)  and I’ll hopefully keep taking them. Each photo was SO hard to take but once I lined them all up I was really thankful I had them. If you are working to get fit and strong again I totally recommend taking progress pictures. I take them, load them and hide them away on the computer and don’t even really look at them until I am ready to use them. Otherwise I get insecure and ashamed, and that is so dumb. I am working and the work is showing, take some pictures and give yourself credit for all the hard work!

I am figuring this out. Slowly and steadily. I am 30 pounds down from my pregnancy high and 14 pounds down from my six week appointment (when my weight had basically settled to where it would stay/go up, unless I put in some serious work).

I have always felt like I am someone who doesn’t lose much weight breast feeding, and I still think that I am to some extent, but I think I was also going about weight loss all wrong, for basically my whole life. I was counting calories, restricting and hardly working out enough. The biggest change I am needing to make for success is a shocking one. . . I need to be eating more. I am using myfitnesspal.com to keep track of what I am eating and as a guideline for calorie intake. My calorie allotment for the day is 1340, then I add in breastfeeding and that gives me an extra 500. Every time I workout (even just my mile long nap walk for Nolie every day) I enter that in and am given more calories. For the first several weeks (I have been doing this for seven weeks) I didn’t eat the exercise calories and often times ended my day with a couple hundred calories “left over”. I thought that this would speed up my weight loss and was OK with it as long as it didn’t impact my milk supply. My supply stayed high but I was only losing a tiny bit. I didn’t expect to lose much fast so this just seemed like the way my body was doing it- until these past two weeks.

For the last couple of weeks I have been eating more (quality )calories (good fats and grains for the most part, hello raw brownies! I big time love you!) and using up all of my exercise and nursing calories (for the most part) and the weight started to come off a bit faster.

I have always known that eating very little puts your metabolism into hibernation and that my metabolism needs all the help it can get! So when I started this journey I knew I needed to keep my calorie intake at the higher end of the number for losing weight, but I didn’t take into account that breastfeeding is a workout for my body too so I needed to be sure to eat those (once again, quality is key) calories as well.

Eating more has made an incredible difference in lots of facets. I am not going a “restrictive” route and thus not making myself crazy in keeping tabs too closely (FYI: it is dumb to try and figure out the amount of calories in a sample of quinoa salad at TJ’s, you will make yourself crazy). It has made me feel like  a “splurge” here and there is just fine and a totally alright thing to do, just be sure to account for it and workout accordingly. And, finally, it has been working!

I am finding great recipes full of whole foods and healthy fats that don’t bust our budget. I am learning SO much more about portion control and I am finally getting into the groove of regular exercise. I have been doing Stroller Strides (I linked to the class in my town but there are classes all over the country!) fairly consistently and I really think that a lot my weight loss is thanks to that. I am feeling strong again. . . and it feels so good. I can do planks again, push-ups, and run without losing my breath in an instant. We are gong to sign up for a 5k soon! I started running again recently and it was so awesome that I was able to pop out the door and go for a two mile jog and feel totally fit. Stroller Strides has built up my endurance and made running so (so so so) much easier to get back into!

Slow and Steady this weight is coming off and I couldn’t be more happy! Also, I encourage anyone who is embarking on any sort of weightloss program to take progress pictures. I didn’t want to write this post because I didn’t feel like 14 pounds was a “big enough achievement” or like it “made any difference” so Charlie helped me to pull up some older pictures and a current one. . . and  I was so surprised at how much of a difference I could see! Here’s hoping that the next 14 will make an even bigger difference!

I sat at a table surrounded by Moms. We all chatted, smiled, drank and laughed with nerves. My eyes couldn’t help but look past these women who were about to be so brave and see the park behind them. The park filled with people. The park that borders on one of the busiest streets. The park that we were about to fill with ourselves, bellies out, and smiles big. I was terrified.

Children ran around, husbands wrangled the littlest ones and the fastest ones. Diaper bags were haphazardly strewn across the stairs and lawn, this looked like a big playdate. A playdate where all the Mamas peeled off their tops and assembled on the stairs. The first few clicks were awkward. How do I stand? Is that my baby crying? Does the woman next to me look so much better? And then, with each click, I felt those thoughts start to melt. The laughter changed from the awkward and tight sounds of women trying to flex their bellies and stand up straight and into those belly laughs that make you shake. The smiles grew more broad and the boldness and bravery felt almost palpable. We walked around without our tops. We changed locations. We bent over to pick up our babies, kiss our spouses and hug each other. We became comfortable. I didn’t feel compared. I didn’t even think to compare. We were women coming together and forgetting what we are told, in favor or loving ourselves just as we are today.

I smiled and felt confident. I forgot to look at my stomach. I forgot to look at anyones’ stomach. I grew more and more secure, calm and happy. I could have partied with those women all night in my bra! I left feeling like I was free. Something had come off of me in that park and it wasn’t just my shirt. It was those thoughts. The thoughts that lots of Moms have.

I look disgusting. Is my stomach gross? Does everyone look like this? Will my stretch marks go away? Will I ever feel sexy again? I must lose all this weight and look normal. I am not OK and this body is not OK. My body is gross. This is taking too long. 

I took those thoughts off and I didn’t pick them back up. Three days have gone by and while that fire tamed into a steady small flame, it burns on.

I have been running. Not for weight loss. Not for Charlie. Not for anyone but myself. I am running to keep that feeling tight in my hands.

My tshirt smells like breast milk, I am wearing three bras just to hold my nursing boobs in place, my pants are too tight and I am drenched in sweat. And I couldn’t feel better or more alive, more myself and more thankful. Running is my time to be alone and in it I am falling in love with a new me. That belly picture has changed me, ignited me and given me some oomph to turn my habits around and love me with words, strength and care instead of food.

That picture and those women reminded me to cut myself some slack. I am caring and pouring out for others all day long and my body shows it- in scars, stretch marks and weight. And that? That is ok. That is OK at 11 weeks PP and OK at 40 years PP. It is never too late to cast off self hate and pick up confidence. You don’t have to do it for your kid(s), you don’t have to do it for your partner and you don’t have to do it for your skinny jeans. You need to do it for yourself.

This picture shows every mother. Every birth experience, every scar you could have. It holds women from two weeks postpartum to 17 years postpartum. It has bellies that are carrying babies that could be born tomorrow and bellies that will never hold a baby again. This picture is every Mom.

This picture is you and your Mom. This picture reminds me that beauty and self love don’t have anything to do with a number and everything to do with health, acceptance and grace. Moms act in boldness for their children every day. But on this day, we were bold for ourselves.

thank you so much to Tiffany Burke for capturing what was a game changing day.

Pounds gained, stretch marks raw and purple, babies nursing. . . my body as I once knew it is wholly lost. Never to return. I mourned this… for weeks and got angry about it, sad about it, mad at myself and (irrationally) at Charlie too. I wanted to cling to what I thought I looked like instead of what I really do look like. I didn’t want to look in the mirror and face the reality of all the hard work in front of me. I wanted to just feel OK.

The woman who teaches my Stroller Strides class gave the best advice about body acceptance that I have ever read.  For me this rings true because despite every pound and mark being, obviously, worth it for my girls; I still don’t like how it feels to be this big and look this way. Natalie said. . . “We ALL have to respect the body we have to earn the body we want”. I read that and it clicked. I don’t have to hate this body in order to change it. I need to love and respect it enough to put in the work it will take to attain the body I want. The strength I want and the tone I want. I can love my body and still want to work on it.

I can’t remember if I have posted about the numbers yet but if not, I am going to give the nuts and bolts again because I am about to start writing about this every two weeks with some hard number updates and help. Recipes, workouts, suggestions and empathy… endless, endless, endless empathy.

I gained 50 pounds with Ever and lost 30 the first week. At my six week PP midwife visit I found out I had gained 10 of those pounds back. . . two weeks ago (yesterday) I started writing down everything I ate (using myfitnesspal.com) and working out. And guess what? It is working.

In two weeks I have lost seven pounds, some inches and gained quite a bit of myself back. I don’t have pictures because I have, stupidly and sadly, deleted all the pictures Charlie has taken of me over the past two weeks. I have let my negative self talk, obnoxiously overwhelming insecurity, and vanity, get in the way of having decent progress pictures. But that is ending now.

In two weeks I will post with before and now pictures. But for now I will post my goals and what has been working so far.

Working out: I have been going to Stroller Strides twice each week and… it is killing me. Hills, stairs, arms and legs. My whole body aches and burns and it couldn’t feel better. Nolie hasn’t always been a fan of spending an hour in her stroller but we I am figuring out what works to keep her in it. If you have a toddler and are trying to finagle keeping them in the jogger, here is what is working for us. BOOKS, so many books and being able to rotate them out. IPOD, Nolie loves to listen to music on my iPod and it is such a treat for her- that gets me through the last few minutes of a long walk or class if she is getting really fidgety. And the number one thing? snacks. I pack lots of little snacks in different tiny containers and she loves it. Also Stroller Strides is designed to keep your baby/toddler entertained. We sing to them, sing about them and use their names in the songs. Nolie laughs through most of it and you stop to sing (and die doing squats!) to your kiddos every few minutes (circuit training!) so they don’t get board.

Food… oh sheesh. The first few days I realized a few of the things that had been adding the pounds back on for me.

1. Habitual eating. If the girls are both sleeping? eat. If Charlie is entertaining both girls? eat. If Nolie is eating? eat. I was doing this regardless of whether or not I was hungry because I was operating this “what if I can’t eat at lunch? must.eat.now.” I need to make time to eat and sit down to enjoy a meal, not just grab a handful of almonds every time I have a break.

2. (speaking of almonds) Over”healthy”eating. I don’t keep junky food in the house so all we have to snack on is pretty healthy. Nuts, seeds, nut butters that kind of deal. But any of that in excess is going to mean extra weight. I was eating upwards to 2 cups of almonds in a few hours just because I wasn’t sitting down for a meal or being concious of my eating- I was just eating for the sake of it and thinking that it was healthy because it was a healthy food. Real Fact Time 2 cups of almonds= 1,653 calories. . . yeah.

3. Reward eating. ‘If I get both girls to sleep at the same time I can have a __________”.  Or, even more common for me, “I had a super hard and long day, I deserve a _________” . . . right? We all do it. I have been trying to have a running list of non-food rewards that I can enjoy. Time alone with my book or magazine,  a run around the block without a stroller attached to me, a hot bath, etc..

Goals: 

Drinking at least 70oz of water daily

Writing down everything I eat but without letting that take over my life or make me crazy (for example, letting it slide when I taste a sample at Trader Joe’s… for real.)

Attending Stroller Strides twice a week and running at least once a week.

Having grace for myself and being aware of the language I use to describe my body (so much harder than I thought it would be)

 Recipes: 

We have been eating lots of quinoa, lentils, beans and greek yogurt. Also tons of faux mexican meals… yum. But my favorite recipe for craving indulgence that won’t kill you calorie and fat wise….

This Oven Fry recipe. I do it with sweet potatoes instead because they are a super food!

So tasty and healthy.

This roasted Cauliflower recipe. SO good. I have been eating a whole head of cauliflower and a spinach salad (with berries and balsamic, yum) for l lunch most of this week! Also, I do it without the cheese (because I don’t often have parm on hand) and it is still really delish. Nolie loves it too! It tastes so buttery and creamy even though its is super healthy!

So… should I keep posting about this journey or does this epic pretty much cover it? These past two weeks I have been feeling lighter, happier and motivated. What are your goals? What are you doing to reach them?

Also, here is a picture of the littlest girl. She and her sister are so worth all this hard work and I am really blessed to be making progress in being a healthier (and happier) Mama for them.

(photo from our newborn session! I’ll be posting more soon, but check it out here )

On Friday Ever turned six weeks old. Anyone who has had a baby knows that six weeks is when you are OK. . . right? Six weeks and you can work out again, have sex again and should be ready to do all of that. Right.

To me six weeks is right when the hormones all collide and the birth buzz has worn off. It is when you feel normal but still look so abnormal. It is when I start trying on old clothes and lamenting that they don’t pull up past my knees. . . six weeks is a hard one.

I went to my last (don’t get me started on how heartbreaking that is) midwife appointment and weighed in.  I gained 50 pounds this pregnancy and at one week PP I had lost 30. I stood on the scale and ticked up the pounds and felt a cold wave of shock. I had gained back 10 pounds. I shouldn’t be shocked considering the quantity of food I have been eating but I was completely shocked. I left feeling defeated but my sweet husband brought me back to reality. He gave me kind words, gentle words, and reminded me of how I would treat and what I would expect of a 6 week PP Mom. I need to use those same words for myself. So I am. I am trying to at least.

This time around I have a plan. And I didn’t drag my feet. I started keeping an online food journal to account for what I put in my mouth. Sleep deprivation and some ups and downs emotionally send me straight to snacking and having a place to be accountable to what I eat has been really helpful. I also started in on Stroller Strides classes. They are killer, work all muscle groups and connect me with other Moms and, best of all, Nolie and Ever can come with me. The final step I am taking is to get back into running.

This evening I went for a run. It was only 10 minutes and only a mile. But it felt like a break, silence filled with silly pop music, time just for me. I felt so light.

I am not quite ready to do the PP belly post. . . I am not there yet. But I have all the faith in the world that speaking gentle words and putting some care into my body will yield results. Maybe not weight loss, but strength gained and loving myself a little bit more.

So, here I go. For accountability’s sake I am going to keep this going. Let this blog be a journal of this journey. Today is day four and I am feeling hopeful.