When I first started nursing Nolie I didn’t have any real time frame in mind, no date for it to end. Or, no date to “make it to” I just nursed. My Mom nursed me till I was four so the idea of “extended breastfeeding” never freaked me out or made me uncomfortable. And best of all, for Nolie and me, nursing just clicked. There wasn’t intense pain or horrible engorgement, her latch was prefect, no weirdness or naysayers about feeding her in public or uncovered. I was only met with support, encouragement and growth on the part of my baby and a huge happy hormone release every time I did it.

It wasn’t until she was around a year that the idea that we should stop had ever been introduced. We took her for her one year doctor visit and at a slim weight the doctor encouraged I wean her and switch her to formula. . . I was shocked. Why would anyone encourage me to quit a full year before the American Board of Pediatrics and the World Health Organization advised us to nurse to? Why would I switch her from milk that had agreed with her body, grown it well and is specially designed for her to something completely foreign? We resisted, researched and found a new doctor, one who was supportive and caring. Nolie flourished, grew at her own rate and is still as healthy as can be (never been really sick, at all).

Now, coming up on that two year recommendation and blowing through this pregnancy like wildfire I am starting to think about the end. Or at least the slowing down. We night weaned a few weeks ago and it went like a dream. The combination of her being ready (she wasn’t the last time we tried and it was pure horror) and my milk dwindling for a week or so created the perfect situation to night wean. I am so glad we didn’t do it any earlier and I am so (SO) thankful for the glimpses of sleeping through the night that we are having now. However, along with the dwindling milk supply that pregnancy has brought, Nolie has taken to nursing for as long as I will let her during the day. I have started to say “no” to her (for, pretty much, the first time) when she asks and she is responding really amicably to it. We have gone from 8 nurses a day down to 4 and sometimes 3.

She is growing up and big and I am in awe of how much she has changed in her ability to understand. I hope that she keeps these few nurses throughout the pregnancy and then some (we are hoping to be able to tandem nurse) but I am starting to see her slowing down with nursing and gaining more autonomy and desire to be off of me. There is no doubt that nursing a toddler comes with a lot of struggles but the payoff, for us, has been so huge that I can’t imagine ending this relationship prematurely.

We are a ways away from it but I have school on the brain. .  . late august tends to do that to me.

I feel like a jerk. When Charlie comes home it is all I can do to not, literally, toss Nolie into Charlie’s arms. She is going through a clinger stage and wants nothing to do with being off of me, unless we are with other kids, for even a moment. She is scared of everything from airplanes to warm towels and a sighting or hearing of any of her fears and she is paralyzed in worry and screeching for “MAMAMAMAMAMA”. While I feel for her and ache when she is scared (even when it is of a fireplace, what the heck?) I am getting a little overwhelmed by the grabby neediness.

I would liken this to a newborn but it is so far from it. She isn’t just on me, she is holding-pinching-rubbing-kissing and climbing me. She isn’t cuddling and still she is hanging and swinging. The real clincher in the claustrophobic feeling is that this isn’t ceasing at nighttime.

She is cutting two teeth and having a rough time sleeping. She is fine as long as she is in my lap and latched on. For hours.

The other downside is that because she is so attached to me all day she is getting closer to me and even less inclined to find comfort in Charlie when he comes home. Crying for Mama and only Mama. This wears on me and breaks Charlies heart.

I know this is a stage, I know that this will come to an end and she will play independently again and find comfort in cuddling Charlie sometime soon. But for now, I am feeling like a punk for wanting to put her down. Wanting to unlatch her when I know it will end in crying and wanting to run like a crazy person from the house at the end of the day and hope that Charlie and Nolie will just figure it out.

Luckily, for everyone, I have been getting lots of breaks and alone time. I am learning that for me to be an attached and present parent through this hard time I need to make a very focused effort to refill myself so I can pour out for Nolie. Tomorrow starts a four day weekend for Charlie. We are going thrifting on a hunt for a big wardrobe, out on a dinner date to celebrate our three year anniversary and possibly going to the Zoo with Nolie. I know that this time of closeness, oneness and filling up will be what gets me through this stage.

That and nap time. Praise GOD for nap time.

Being a SAHM is . . .

the best. the hardest. the best. the total worst.

Lately I am coming up against some time management issues. How do I give my fullest and intentional attention to Nolie all of the time, while still managing a household and a budget? This hasn’t really been an issue up until now because Nolie has been a total rockstar at entertaining herself. She would hang out in her high chair with a book and a snack and be set while I cleaned the dishes and the kitchen, or prepped dinner. She would zoom her play-mobile car around and talk to ‘girl’ and ‘beebee’ while I paid bills and made phone calls. I had it good.

I think our recent move has something to do with it or the developmental stage she is in.  She loves her house, runs around sliding on the hardwoods, asks to go outside in her “baaa yarrrr” all afternoon and has been (pretty much) napping and (for the most part) sleeping like a champ. But the big change is in her ability to play alone. She is super needy. Wants me to be reading to her all the time (I  know, what a punk kid), building with legos or making her animals all kiss each other. And while I adore doing this for nine hours in a row- I DO need to do some housework.

How often do you just let the tantrums happen and say “no” to one more book or pretend nurse the doll session. . . Is it good to say no? Or is this a short stage and I should just let the phone calls/dishes/dinner go until she sleeps or Charlie is home? I am feeling conflicted.

Today I said no to reading her a book so that I could finish washing the dishes and she totally lost it. I felt like a huge jerk knowing that she could be easily calmed by me reading with her.

I am torn between wanting her to know that work needs to get done and that my work is housework and her work is play and sometimes we both need to be doing those things independently- vs. Knowing that this time is very short in her life and that she IS and should be the center of everything right now, and that she has no concept of waiting or really of time at all.

When she has these melt downs because I say no (they happen often if I say no to nursing), I get down on her level and try to help give her the language for what is going on. For example, I say “I hear that you are very frustrated and upset right now. I know that you would like to _______ but right now Mama needs to ________. You could go and do (or eat) _____ or ______ or _______ but if being upset is what you need to do that is OK.” and then I let her know all of she places that she can go and rage in, hit pillows, yell or cry. So far, this isn’t changing anything in her “tantrums” ( I kind of hate that word) but I have high hopes that I am giving her validation and the language to tell me how she is feeling in the future.

On a brighter note. . . We do this kind of talking often and about lots of feelings and she just recently started telling me when she feels happy, all of her own accord. Good grief, I love that girl! She ran around the back yard today carrying her book and saying “Teepee, happppy! Book, happppy!” it was even cuter than you could imagine.

By the way, this whole being the primary care giver and all day/all night parenting with love and respect? HARD WORK (especially if you want to do it well)