forward trajectory.

December 13, 2012 by 2 Comments

Just as I get started writing each evening the baby wakes up. and then wakes again. and another time too.

As soon as I sit down for a sip of hot coffee there is a puddle of spilled milk to attend to.

Once the floor is swept the baby pushes the cheerios off the tray and the toddler reaches for the flour off the counter… and… smash.

Just as I think we are all ready to go; Diapers- check, fed- check, ergo- check, change of undies- check. It hits her, This is the WRONG jacket, Mama! and… back to the drawing board we go. This time thirty minutes late instead of fifteen.

It is in each of those moments that I have to make a choice: be overwhelmed or be moving forward (however slowly I move).

If you were to drop by my home you would likely find it cluttered. Toys and crumbs littering the ground, laundry unfolded on the couch, piles of outgrown clothes thrown at the end of the bed, and glitter- so much glitter. But you would also find this: spot on girls. Little ladies who are wide eyed at all things Christmas.  A toddler mystified by my abilities to “cut a snowflake from a nothing” and who turns nearly everything she can into sprinkles (candy canes, pinto beans, rice, sand, etc.) for decorating. A baby who grins at her sister, wrestles/crawls and rumpuses with the best of them. A toddler who is stretching my patience and forcing my growth in all the ways I need it most. And a baby who is changing everything I thought I knew about babies.

Sometimes if you were to drop in you would see me choose overwhelmed. Calling Charlie for reassurance, praying out loud for patience and breath, crying hard and answering Nolie’s questions about “how’s mama feeling?”. But, more often now than before, you might see me choose forward. Choose to say yes to nearly everything I can, no matter the mess or time. Choosing to slow down and give up and in- to abandon the cleaning in favor of playing, to forgo the phone call in favor of crafting, to lavish attention and touch on a toddler who thrives when given the time.

We have hit this season hard. Being three years old is intense. Gently, lovingly, mothering a three year old is almost as intense. But instead of starting each day believing I will be overwhelmed, I am picking one fun activity and calling it good if we get through the day and are still laughing and loving. The house can go, the crafts be half done, the cookies filled with an egg-shell or two, but if at the end we are still loving; I am calling it a win.

A couple of days ago things were rough. Nolie and I were seeming to work in opposition. The more I said no, the more she pushed; And the more she pushed, the more I wanted to say no. Everything felt like it was so big and unending (I imagine we were both feeling quite the same way)… I was holding onto the end of my very frayed rope and I yelled “I am just so frustrated!”  (I don’t yell often and it yielded an immediate halt in Nolie). She looked up and said, “you probably need to talk to God, Mama.” and she was so very right. And after that I needed to apologize to her, again and again each day it seems.

After my blood began to cool and we fell back into activities I sat at the table with a big mug of tea. I am far from perfect, and I have big emotions that Nolie is very privy to, but I am doing this well. Her reaction to my freakout wasn’t fear, wasn’t anger, wasn’t to run away… it was to call out for help. Even if I am failing on the house front, the organizational front, and the getting dressed every day front, I am doing something right. And thank God for my tiny little sponge for being a reflection of that good even in the toughest moments.

 

Filed Under: growing, home, parenting

(tiny)home tour- dining room.

October 7, 2012 by 8 Comments

Our home is a whopping 700 square feet. And we couldn’t love it more. Built in 1928 with lots of original touches, it is just the right cozy character home for us. We rent and have the most lovely, gracious and generous landlords. We have hit jackpot.

I have never done a home tour, for lots of reasons. . . one being that everything is pretty much thrifted, family hand me downs or homemade so it wouldn’t be easy to link to purchases. But, the main reason is that sometimes it feels like, with all the BIG and shiny home tours on ‘big’ blogs, I get kinda bogged down in thinking my home would be scoffed at for its size, price point (of our stuff) and lack of mainstream decoration influence. But, I love my home.

I want a space that invites anyone to come in and cozy up with a cup of something steaming and play or read. And I feel like we have that, coziness and homey love abounds here. So I think I will slowly share some of our spaces, itty bitty as they may be.

Here is our dining room- this is where life is lived. The in-between of our kitchen and living room. Nolie plays here, Charlie reads and bounces Ever here, I write here. This is our hub.

Our table is a garage sale find. Our chairs are a hodge pods of hand-me-downs and a kid chair from Ikea for Nolie. To the left is an end table turned play kitchen that is still in the works. The darling prints above our table are made by our awesome friend, his shop is here (check it!), and the plates with A and C are from Anthropologie (years ago).

The board with tin cans (class-say) are made by Charlie as a space for Nolie to organize her art supplies since she often has her easel in here to do projects. And the shelves were made by Charlie too. The roman shades were a DIY that Charlie and I tackled when I was pregnant since we knew I would labor at home and would likely want some privacy in our little fish bowl (ended up not really even leaving my room, oops!).

The rest of the artwork is made by Nolie. We love our tiny cozy home!

Filed Under: home

$20 redemption.

October 3, 2012 by 10 Comments

Falling onto the floor in utter heartbreak over her socks being “wonky”. Whining, screaming, screeching, flailing. It all sounds so benign and almost cute when I write it out. But the reality is rocking my world. She sobs “I can’t stop! I can’t help it!” and I believe her. The emotions she is feeling are just So Big. The upheaval in her life is huge and the reality that this is the new normal is hitting us all like a ton of bricks.  Being the Mom is really hard but I do, wholeheartedly, believe that being the toddler is harder (much harder).

But this morning I failed. I said things I really wanted to never say, “I can’t do this anymore, I need to do something… change something… something BIG.” I cried those words to Charlie over the phone and he fell silent and listened. “What can you do? What do you mean?” and I had no answer.

We stumbled into the car, overfull with carseats, clothes, books, old hot chocolates and endless crumbs. We made our way to the Mom Group at my church and I rested. In prayer, in easy light conversation, in someone I know and trust watching Nolie and feeding her homemade cookies, in time.

We shared lunch with Charlie (he works at the Church) and then packed up to face the home front again. I tossed my diaper bag into the car and a $20 bill came out. This is shocking. There is no extra money, there are no hidden stashes, this was a gift. Some loving Mama stealthily put this into my bag. I pulled away and the weight of that $20 hit me- redemption.

Ever fell asleep five minutes into the drive and I turned off the music and talked with my oldest. She told me a story, she asked me about “seasons change. You know about chestnuts mama? you know leaves change colors? you know I nursed and bottled a baby today?”

We pulled up to the drive through window of a coffee shop; Double (decaf, stupid UTI) americano, kids cocoa and a muffin. We split the muffin and drove on. Ever snored and we drove further and further out.  Past cows and horses, silos and barns and finally to my big open field. The same one I drove to during the fall apart while I was night weaning (this one).

The road was empty, I parked the car and sat there. Remembering how much I love Nolie. Her running commentary on cows (they have spots and some are black but their milk is just white anytime, how funny!) and how she has taken to her new roll of sister with incredible love and grace.

In that deep breath,  in her story, in the empty field and huge clouds; I realized that ‘big change’ I was needing. I need to find ways to refill WITH Nolie. I have bought the lie that I need to be getting X amount of alone time in order to be a “good mom” but the truth is that I need to spend time appreciating my girls. Not just maintaining a house, keeping them slept/fed, occupying them, etc. I need to know them, appreciate them and be willing to cast the rest of that aside in oder to know them and understand them. I will find time to be alone, I will have ample time to pursue all my passions one day. Today is a day for forgiving quickly, asking for forgivness from Nolie (and Charlie too probably!), talking to her, holding her, nursing her and really hearing her.

So whatever Mama left us that gift… a gift that furnished the ability to buy a drive through drink and a chance at knowing my girl again, thank you. You gave a huge gift to our whole family.

Filed Under: growing, home

Thankful.

September 27, 2012 by 2 Comments

This has been a really rough season and a particularly hard week. Each day it looks a little darker. But once I retreat into that hole-of-dark I stop looking for the light. And there is a lot of light.

Today Nolie (wholly unprompted) apologized to her friend, he apologized to her and they hugged and played so well and with so much love. And it felt like All The Work that seems too unending and unrewarding… it was worth that moment. All the talking it thorough, letting her direct herself, explaining how I feel and giving her the responsibility and the time to come to her own feelings without prompting, it felt so worth that moment. That was light.

Ever holding hands with her baby friend. That was light.

Food on my front porch more times than I can count from friends who know, get it, and have been there. That was light.

Charlie holding me, answering his phone always, taking time off for sick kids, hearing me- really hearing me. That is light.

A God who lets stuff get hard but never forgets, never turns away and is here and in this moment and all the dark ones too. He is light.

 

Filed Under: family, glad list, growing, home, parenting, snapshot

a “me time” challenge.

August 14, 2012 by 3 Comments

After reading Flux I had so many thoughts, so much bumping around in me and the need for one of those conversations.

The conversations that last so long and take ages to get to the point. The ones that the light fades and emphatic whispers bump up against babies fussing. Then hushed tones are exchanged across the distance of a bed separated by a warm little baby nursing and as the words fall out and the minutes rush by it is impossible not to count away the moments of sleep that you are missing. But it still feels worth it. Very worth it.

In Flux the author talks about the satisfaction level in marriages going down with each child, and that in specific , satisfaction with intimacy in marriage drops dramatically until those kids are grown and out of the house. Later in the novel the writer tells of women who have had affairs and that each of them references “feeling like herself” and “finding herself again” as a reason for the infidelities. She also draws the conclusion that the more you know yourself the more intimacy in marriage and satisfaction you will find.

In all of this intimacy seems to be a code word for sex, and while I believe  this rings painfully true I also think that it is in reference to all intimacy. Those hard conversations that go late into the night, dates that end in feeling more known and loved and time spent together that isn’t used purely for strategy; of how to get through the day (and night) with kids.

Motherhood and the need for “me time” seem to go hand in hand now. In every circle of Mom friends I am a part of that is a buzz phrase- me time. Are you getting it? How much? When? Is it equal with your spouse? and on, and on, and on. And I get it. I need it. We all need it. Badly.

But where I find it and carve it out needs to change.  I have spent the past few months feeling like I need MORE and more of it. I need it under specific parameters- there are no kids, I am somewhat rested, I can indulge in something that I typically couldn’t and I won’t be disturbed. Those desires are laughable and nearly unattainable in our current stage of life, but yet they are affirmed by endless Moms. Because we all want it, can’t get it and then feel more unknown that we did before. Unknown by our spouses and unknown to ourselves.

I have decided to challenge myself to shift  my focus. To not trivialize the time I do get because they “aren’t long enough” or weren’t out of the house. I am making a goal to find me time in dishes, Facebook, laundry and those few minutes in the shower in the evenings. To find couple time in the hour that both girls are asleep at night without us- to not check out, not turn on a computer and actually talk and look at each other. To now and be known for not only the sake of sex, but for the love of intimacy.

Overall I am a thankful person. I don’t want for much of anything and I am very aware of how privileged that is. But I have let this monster creep into me that seems to roar “more time! I need it!” and sits on a crutch of “better wife and better Mom”- making it almost a threat to Charlie. If I don’t get that time I will be unbearable.

So I am shaking that off. I am giving validity to that time and acknowledging that need but I am also taking it where I can and not demanding it be bestowed upon me in heaps, because all that breeds in me is discontent and cries of “not enough! more!”.

Today I am feeling challenged and filled. Filled by 20 minutes spent in front of my computer putting words out that percolated on a pleasant walk with my ladies. Feeling filled by this time even though there is no wine, there is a babe suckling away and a girl reading loudly close by.

This can be me time. Alone with my hands in the warm suds and the dark taking over the sky. Piling veggies in a crockpot as the sun peeks up. Pouring a cup of coffee that will be cold before it is finished, I can savor one sip. Watering the garden and hearing the spray hit the house and bounce back on my bare legs.  This can be life giving and fulfilling if only I give it the chance.

 

Filed Under: glad list, growing, home

The big times.

August 6, 2012 by 3 Comments

Nolie has been sleeping in a toddler bed since 13 months. . . yeah, early climber. Up until fairly recently she was waking up multiple times a night to nurse and would fall asleep in my arms, so bed size didn’t really matter to us. Then we night weaned and consequently Charlie and I have both been spending some quality sleep hours in a crib sized bed with our tiny little furnace child.

We decided to take the leap and switch over to the big times, Twin Mattress land. Nolie is the third little lady to sleep in this bed- it was mine first, my sweet niece Indy second and now hers. We gave it a little coat of chalk board paint and set her up. She is in love with her new bouncing, and sleeping, space.

Last night she slept a blissful 11 hours without waking, I would say twin bed is a success.

Helping Papa disassemble the crib

 

adoring on looker.

 

Voila!

And this bed is very kid approved.

Filed Under: DIY, home, Nolie Month by Month

That Moment- our baby

April 27, 2012 by 30 Comments

Our little girl joined us. And? She just might not be a Harbor baby.

7lbs 8oz. 20in long

Born in the water at home after just six hours of labor and minutes of pushing.

Praise God. Praise God. Praise God.

Filed Under: baby #2, growing, home, Our Story

Merry (it isn’t yet) Christmas

November 15, 2011 by 5 Comments

We are in Holiday mode here… this weekend we are going to hang our lights and break out the tree (I am SO embarrased to admit we bought a fake tree last year… the year before we got a tree that was infested with spiders and I have a HUGE phobia of spiders and can’t look at a tree in my own home the same way… it is really heartbreaking). But here to whet your appetite for all things Christmas… the tiniest and cutest reindeer ever.

Olive- the other reindeer

ps. I am posting this through my old account in hopes that anyone who missed us in the move can update their readers (follow us here now!) and start to see our new posts. Lots is happening here!

 

Filed Under: family, home

a home, not a house.

February 9, 2011 by 2 Comments

note: Nolie’s month days are now all under the Nolie heading at the top of the page. I wanted to keep posting month days so I need a bigger space to do it!

Six years out of high school. Two years out of college. Zero years of working a living wage, career type of job.

Of all the friends on facebook from my graduating class about 10% of them have ‘real’ jobs and live in either houses/rentals. The other 90% work retail or are back in school and living with their parents. We didn’t graduate in a time where jobs were there for the taking, there was no guarantee for a career just because we had our diplomas in hand. However, when deciding to go to college all of us got the “career” and “guidance” adviser chats that urged us strongly to go to college, lest we become lazy high school grads who only wait tables and sell sweaters at the Gap. Except it didn’t really work out considering even jobs at The Gap are hard to come by in Bellingham. Each and (nearly)every barista has a degree and most of the time, the guy making your pita (at Pita Pit) is working on his second major.  Basically, jobs are hard to come by.

Charlie has a degree in Math and a minor in Physics and minor in Philosophy. He currently is a handyman/ change an ungodly amount of light bulbs at our church and then stocks shelves at Walmart on the weekends. . . and takes shifts here and there at his Fire Station because he is volunteer (paid a little, actually) firefighter. We (he) does whatever it takes to make ends meet. We are on the long path to Charlie eventually, hopefully, becoming a full time paid Firefighter. The average amount of time it takes from academy completion to full time paid position is five years. We are in year two. He applies to every opening in WA that we can find. But still we are realistic and know that we could be doing this for years and years. Over the past two years we have saved money here and there to spend on big things but we haven’t ever even dreamed of saving for a house. Because. . . what is the point in putting the three extra dollars a month  you have into an account that needs to get to $50,000 before it matters- drop in the bucket doesn’t even begin to cover that.

But we have decided to get serious. We opened up a “house” account and are putting whatever we can into it. It helped to have a fat tax return to start it off! All that aside, we know that a house is a far away, if ever, dream and so we work hard to make anywhere we live into a home. I have moved every year for the past six years. . . and each year I make a new home.

Within hours of moving in I have the kitchen organized and unpacked (thanks in no small part to my incredible Mom who goes with me on the crazy train of my unpacking tendencies). I have pictures on the wall and flowers on the table. I don’t hesitate to get comfortable and try to make our space cozy from day one. I decorate for each holiday (currently there are heart garlands and doilies everywhere) and screw things into the wall (Spackle isn’t that pricey). By the end of day two living in any new apartment/duplex we have our place looking like we have been there for years.

But, more than that we focus on making it our home. Not just with our pictures and decoration but with our experiences. Rolling around on the floor with Nolie. Baking cookies and stirring soup on the stove. Playing peekaboo behind the curtains. Each new rental with it’s old smells and stained carpet becomes home, quickly, because we try and work and effort it into a space that is only ours. At least till that lease is up.

SO even if we never have enough money for a down payment. Even if Charlie never gets a living wage paying job and we live from rental to rental we have this little account that is building a dream. And in the meantime we will put up chalkboards and pictures, bunting and knickknacks and make any little space into our own family home.

Filed Under: home