Scooping handfuls of hot water onto my face, again and again, baths are where I process. Scooping moments of blur, no thought, calm, hot water.
I am great at decision making in our home. Dinner; Bam! I’ll decide after one quick look in the fridge. Paint? It has never taken me more than five minutes to pick a wall color. I don’t vacillate, I know what I want my end result to be and look like, and choosing the color just makes me feel more sure. I don’t really paint “test” areas, I just paint walls.
In parenthood it’s felt about the same. Being a gentle/attached parent has been a no brainer that has been affirmed time and time again from counseling, my (really fabulous) parents, the results in our kids, science (again and again disproving stuff that has always “felt wrong” to me), and following the gut pull. It hasn’t been a huge choice.
But… family size? I’m struggling.
The pro and con list feels endless. The pragmatic and smart choices feel somewhat obvious, the heart ones feel… much less. I don’t have any of the “tell tale” signs of not being done. I don’t look around and see a lack in our family at all. I feel full and overfull in love with these girls. I love their differences and the sibling relationship they share is a magic one that is untouchable. There isn’t the “someone missing at the table” feeling. But. . .
And in my heart, and my endless tears at all babies, births, pregnant women, bands of three siblings cuddled up, I feel it. My hope for them as adults, having close siblings to share their growing up experience with. To have someone to fall back on in hard times, heartache, and once we are old and grey and they need support. Then it feels all muddy again.
Being done. Moving only forward. Toward time away at a couple. Toward sleeping at night. Toward body autonomy and weaning. Toward school, soccer practices. . . so appealing. But, a whole other person. Another little soul in our family to be loved and love. Another body full of spunk, heart, lessons, and camaraderie. . . that feels worth waiting a few more years to move forward. Maybe?
Charlie is in the same back and forth boat as me. Each day more prayers, more conversations, and more thankfulness for the girls we have. We are adoring the phases they are in, and so blown away by their love and change every day. Adding to that feels so big and amazing, and scary and possibly wrong.
The girls however? beg for a sibling each and every day. It’s darling. And, as much as I adore them and take their words to heart. I won’t have a baby for my children, I’ll only have a baby if I feel capable of loving, lovingly parenting, and caring for that baby (if I don’t, we’ll get them a dog instead ).
Anyhow. Thats part of my radio silence. We are living life big and full lately. Adventures, rain walks, leaf collecting, hiking new trails, reading endless books, dressing up and cozying in. Celebrating holidays in all the biggest ways we can. And just. . . going! And, thinking. Taking long baths, praying longer prayers, and waiting patiently for some clarity.
Sorry for all the hazy muddy ramblings. I think I need another bath. I’m sure I’ll be back with some DIY projects (we’ve been doing a lot!), a new hair style, or some weird kiddo quotes. But, for now, we’re thinking a lot and living even more.