Divide, multiply, or just form a whole new number. {rambles about having two}

May 26, 2013 by Autumn Leave a Comment

For the first year of Nolie’s life I couldn’t imagine, fathom, or even understand how anyone could have more than one child. Not because it was difficult (it was, but not in any way that made me think two wouldn’t be possible) but because my heart was so overfilled with love for this tiny person, so overwhelmed with how perfectly made she was, and so filled up to the top with adoration… I just couldn’t understand how my heart could hold more. My love for Charlie had grown exponentially watching him as a Papa, and my heart was filled in every crevice with love for our new baby… I just felt so hugely full.

Our little family was a perfect fit. The baby all wrapped up tight on us while we walked and went out for breakfast. The stroller trim and fast as we ran around the lake and smiled at all the other runners. My baby, easy to keep up with and hover around at the park as she cautiously tried to make her way up the steps and Charlie took pictures of our play. We were a tiny family of three and it was just right. Nothing was infringing on that time. And it was just right.

But then, around a year after having Nolie, I felt that damn break. My heart nearly burst, and with it came some space and an ache for a baby I didn’t know yet. In my heart I felt she would be named Ever Brave, and then as time went on I was pulled and pulled to the name Harbor again and again. But (duh) neither was the final name. I knew there was space for one more. I still felt anxious… how in the world would I parent two kids? How would I nurse two babies? How would Nolie ever learn to sleep at night… would she ever stop nursing at night? How will we afford it? Will we need more space? I was filled with questions, and anxiety, but I felt sure that the love would be there.

Everyone told me, your love won’t divide, it will multiply. And, on faith, I believed them. And all those parents of multiple kids were right. My heart grew ten times its size on the day she was born. I can’t put into words how incredibly right for our family our little Ever Harbor Joy is. But, BUT, the thing I wasn’t ready for? Sibling.Love.

I worried about jealousy. I put my adult ideas onto a three year old and assumed she would feel displaced by… everything. She would be mad that the baby got to nurse all the time. Upset that Ever sleeps in our bed. Angry that Ever is using all of “her” toys and clothes… I basically turned all of my guilt and how I would feel (as an adult) onto her, and neglected to realize… She is so untouched. So innocent. So sweet. And just so so so wonderful.

Nolie wanted to nurse a lot when Evie was first born, but she was easily placated by a quick explanation and distraction with an activity (nursing basket anyone, heyo!). And now, as she has grown, she loves to learn about why Ever needs to nurse more. We talk often about the size of babies’ bellies verses preschoolers’ bellies, about how milk is digested differently than kid dinners are, and about hydration and how much water a kiddo can drink verses a baby. We talk about the flora in our bellies and how we can feed and grow that, and how Ever needs frequent and longer nurses whenever she wants so that we can be sure to grow her up super healthy just like Nolie.

We didn’t cosleep with Nolie. I couldn’t figure out side-lying nursing, I was worried it would damage my relationship with Charlie, and I had no idea how to sleep with a baby next to me and let fear overrun my instincts. So she was in the crib from night four on. She didn’t sleep well; even though we did all the *right* things to help her sleep. So when we had Ever we knew we would try cosleeping… and guys, it has been a godsend huge miracle. I have yet to have an “up all night” feeling… I haven’t had a crying baby all night… I haven’t felt that zombie tired feeling… It’s mind blowing. And? My relationship with Charlie, and the intimacy that is important to it, even better than ever. We both love cosleeping and are really thankful that it’s working this time, and working for the whole family. If it wasn’t we would be quick to reassess, but are really glad to be firmly camped out in the cosleeper camp for now. BUT I was worried that Nolie would feel jealous, upset, want to be in our bed too (and that would be too much!) but instead? She just accepts, unquestioningly, that babies sleep with their mamas and that preschoolers don’t need to.

I’m getting rambly, off the point, and on a soap box here… but basically the gist tonight is this. Having two is starting to smooth out. The girls are evening out more quickly than I could have ever imagined. They are a gang of two and rarely out of each other’s eye line. They hold hands in the car. Cuddle and wrestle on the floor. And Nolie cheers her sister on in each new endeavour and in turn Ever saves her firsts for Nolie; first smile, laugh, and kiss; to be exact.

I am looking around my sun filled home tonight and feeling full again. We walk to the park and have one baby wrapped up tight, and one holding our hands flying between us squealing. We sit on the bench and watch them chase and tumble around, Ever eating dirt and Nolie digging holes, Ever squatting down to peek under and Nolie hiding to yell “here I am baby!” and we kiss. Because, we’re there again, full to the brim on this (not quite) tiny family again. I’m so in love.

Filed Under: baby #2, family

Ever Harbor Joy, reliving the birth.

April 27, 2013 by Autumn 3 Comments

9am: all the sounds changed. The midwife had only been her a few minutes, was setting up a few things, and it all changed. The fear about my babies position was gone and I alternated standing and sitting in my room through loud moans. My parents arrived, and the whirl wind began. I laid in my bed and found that I had progressed another cm (in the 20min she had been there) and was fully effaced and our baby had dropped very low. Eloisa wasn’t going any where. This baby was coming today! Charlie and my Dad moved the birth tub into my bedroom and began to fill it. My Mom played with Nolie in her room and they began to figure out the plans for the (what we thought would be, a long day ahead of them). The tub was filling. I was getting louder. This was, most definitely, It.

9:30am: My mom offered me a hug “can I hug you goodbye?” and I declined. Charlie knew it would be soon. The midwives all had knowing looks. And I looked desperately at Charlie and said “I don’t think I can do this for another six hours.”

9:45: I finally aquiest to our doula being called to arrive. Because this is the first time I think “I don’t know if I can do this.”

9:55: “I feel like I am pushing!” My body began to open up. And just… roar. It didn’t feel like pushing, it wasn’t guided or instructed. It was strange, and huge, and loud, and I couldn’t run away from it. And I just kept opening up and then having this blissful break.

10:05: ” I don’t think I can do this!”

“This is normal. This is how you get the baby out and into your ams. You ARE doing this. This is normal.”

10:06: “reach down! your baby is here!”

And everything was new again.

Filed Under: baby #2

Ever Harbor Joy- naming.

August 6, 2012 by Autumn 2 Comments

I look at her, burst with Joy and can’t imagine how I ever wondered if I would love her enough. I am breaking open with love for her, light streaming through every bit and piece because of her joy. This girl is changing our world and opening me up to so much. I am falling further and further into love with her each day. I can’t believe how incredibly designed our bodies, hearts and minds are for our babies.

This is a little story for her baby book.

When Nolie was a little more than a year old I was set on only having one kid. I couldn’t imagine that my heart could ever expand enough to love anyone else as much as I loved her. I felt wholly closed off to the idea. Then one Sunday we were sitting in church and they were dedicating a little girl named Everly (A name that had been on the list for Nolie) and I just burst into tears. Her Mom said that they named her Everly because she had been in her heart forever. I completely lost it and felt like for the first time another little girl was laid on my heart with the name Ever. Funny thing is that the plan was to name her Ever Brave, then we got pregnant and the name didn’t feel right, so we settled on Harbor but once she was born she was Ever through and through and more than that she was my Joy and made me overflow- her name will always serve as a reminder to me to hold onto Joy. I love my sweet Ever. And love having two girls with names that are markers of what I hold dearest- Anticipate Grace and Hold onto Joy. Grace and Joy are two attributes I hope to always hold tight.

Filed Under: baby #2, Ever Harbor Joy

bright eyes

June 19, 2012 by Autumn 1 Comment

Need to feel better? Let my little bright eyed nut do the job.

Filed Under: baby #2

Ever Harbor Joy- a birth story

May 25, 2012 by Autumn 13 Comments

I keep waiting for the right time to write this. Evening, quiet, no one needing me and our house cozy and warm. Morning sun, hot coffee and silence. Afternoon nap, dark chocolate and a mimosa. Those times don’t happen within this new scope of normal. I don’t quite know where to find those breaks yet…

Then all the upheaval happened and I have been waiting for relief. For health. For confirmation. We left the hospital against doctors orders and while that comes with some triumph it also comes with a heavy burden of responsibility. Waiting to hear the phone ring and confirmation that our intuition was right.

Today we headed to the pediatrician and were given all the confirmation we need. Our girl is healthy, strong, growing and perfect. Pink and perfect. Her blood work is looking good and I feel like I can finally breath. So, here it is…

Birth Story

On Thursday April 26th we did it all… pineapple eating, stair climbing, sex, super long walk, spicy thai food, evening primrose oil and raspberry leaf tea. I was 40 weeks 3 days and feeling beyond finished. We put Nolie to bed and around 9pm I started having a few easy peasy contractions. They didn’t feel painful, at all, but were consistent. They stuck around at around 6-9 minutes apart but didn’t feel like much of anything. They were stronger than braxton hicks but not painful.

I tried to go to sleep but was too excited. Charlie slept and I watched TV just passing the time, keeping one eye on the clock.

At about 4am they started to get stronger. I felt that even though these were very manageable that they were the real deal. I woke Charlie up to tell him…

He was excited too.

I told Charlie to go back to sleep and I started to get ready.

I started praying and praising God. I couldn’t believe that we were at this point. That I was close to that Moment. We were going to do this. I started praying about her position. Worrying about her position. Fearing what might happen. I didn’t want to call the midwives. I was terrified that they would come, check me and send me to the hospital. I was anxious about ending up having the rug pulled out from under me all over again.

I did what I always do when I am overwhelmed, worried or anxious- I got into the shower. It was about 7am. While I was in the shower Charlie called the midwife. She decided to head over and check me and then get all of the supplies set up and then head to the Birth Center for her days appointments and come and check in on me in between.

Nolie woke up. My contractions stayed very manageable and about 5 minutes apart, lasting about a minute. They still didn’t hurt, they felt like a very tight and long braxton hick. When Nolie awoke Charlie went into her room ” Nolie, this is it! This is the day Mama is going to push the baby out!” …she was so excited. She and Charlie sat on the bed and cuddled while I stood and swayed through contractions. Nolie was darling through it all “Mama you are working hard. Your body does it.” Those sweet words spoken so truthfully from two year old lips were the perfect ‘birth coaching’. My body kept going and it felt easy. This was so different than last time.

At about 8am the midwife showed up and while she was checking me my parents showed up too. It was a whirlwind. Our tiny home was bursting now. E, our midwife, checked me and found that I was 4cm, 75% effaced and that the baby was in the perfect position (!!!!). The joy, relief and excitement was palpable. I said hi to my parents and stayed in my bedroom, starting to want to be alone. Everything got stronger. My baby was in the right position, my Nolie was cared for by people I wholly trust and my body was trudging ahead slowly. I was only 1cm more dilated than I had been the week before but I felt like this was the real deal.

E noticed that I was sounding a lot different than I had only moments before. She let me know that she didn’t feel comfortable leaving me unless she checked me again. It had only been about 30 minutes since the last check so I didn’t really expect much change. She found that I was now 5(stretchy to 6)cm and fully effaced with the baby low. She decided to stay since that change all happened so fast. We were now officially in “active labor” (5-10cm).

I was done having our house so full. I felt strong and ready but was starting to have to really pray and focus through each contraction as it happened. My parents left to take Nolie to Seattle to await our call (thinking it would be hours and hours away, if not overnight).

As soon as they were out the door I started to feel very different. I stood pushing down on Charlie and looking at him in hopes of finding some relief in his calm- instead I threw up. That lasted two contractions (they were close together but very short). The force of throwing up caused my water to break. I headed into the tub.

Charlie was cooling it off with cold water- it was still hot from filling it moments before. This was the opposite problem than what we thought was going to happen. I was so worried it would be too cold by the time I could get into it. Instead he was putting cold water into it as I was gingerly stepping in.

I felt calm for an instant and then it immediately got intense and so hard again. Our Doula showed up just after I got into the tub and started rubbing my face with a cold cloth. I said ” Nothing is comfortable” and then “she is low, she feels very, very low!” the baby was moving down and I could feel it.

I didn’t feel any of pushing with Nolie. I was aware of when I was having a contraction but I didn’t feel her move through my pelvis or crown. I just pushed hard for the 10 seconds that they counted for me and that was that. This time was far, far different.

I felt like my body was opening up and pushing her down and out. I had no control over it. ” I think I am kind of … pushing?” was all I could manage to say and my midwife just said “that is fine, just go with it” and I did. I moaned, yelled, sang a deep and loud song. And without giving a single decided push our sweet girl came right out.

“Charlie, her head it out!” Our midwife said this and it was a shock to me. I didn’t realize she was already out! With the next contraction the rest of her came out and we met her.

I was so shocked. So in love.

I just kept saying. “She’s here. So fast, this was so fast.” She was born at 10:06am only half an hour after my parents left. I progressed from 5-10cm in an hour and a half and my body pushed for less than 8min. The whole birth was a dream come true. A huge answer to my biggest prayers and felt like an endless miracle.

I called my Mom from the birth tub and they hadn’t left town yet. I was so thankful- Nolie got to meet her sister before she was even 30min old. And both girls wanted to nurse immediately… it was just right.

We ended the morning by sharing a meal with everyone who was there. My parents, Nolie, our doula, our three midwives and our photographer (who didn’t get there till just after the birth because everything moved so fast!). My favorite meal. My Mom’s veggie lasagna and a big glass of our favorite champagne.

I can’t even begin to say how incredible and different Home Birth is. I feel like it contributed so wholly to why our birth experience was so calm and easy. I felt at ease to labor and as soon as Nolie was cared for and I didn’t have a worry about her I was able to just have the baby… no fuss. I was checked twice total and pretty much never left the comfort of my own bedroom.

This birth was the redeeming and encouraging experience I have dreamt of prayed for and prepared for. I cannot encourage other expectant Moms enough to research, read, pray, talk to everyone you can and make every effort you can to have the birth you want. You can be your own advocate and go into birth informed and ready to make decisions.

If you have any questions about why we chose home birth, our experience or anything else… please ask! I am an open book and would love to share more.

Here is a link to our birth video made by our awesome photographer, Merrilee there is no nudity or blood (a placenta picture though!) but the photos of my pushing and laboring are very intense.

Filed Under: baby #2, family Tagged With: birth story

sick babies.

May 18, 2012 by Autumn 7 Comments

I think the most haunting noise in all the world, the one that will stick with you and ring in your ears forever is that of crying babies. The night we spent in the pediatrics unit was a night that will be in my ears forever. My own daughter covered in tubes sleeping peacefully, nursing earnestly and cuddling so gently- the other babies, not. A chorus of heartbreak that left me crying and praying all night long.

Monday evening I felt like Ever was warm. Monday middle of the night I knew she was too warm. 4am I took her temp and found it to be at an alarming 101.5 (no biggie for a toddler but a huge deal in a newborn. The “come in immediately temp” for a newborn is 100.4). We called the advice line and were told to go to the ER immediately.

I have been to the ER once in my life. When I was four, I have one foggy memory and nothing else. Thank God.

Six hours, one great nurse and one horrible one, one blood draw, one UA bag, one Tylenol suppository, one IV with fluids, numerous declines of a catheter- spinal tap- gratuitous weighing, UA bags and vitals checks and a demand for the NICU nurses to be our the only ones to touch our two week old with a needle. . . and we were placed in a bed in the Pediatrics Unit.

We called our midwife, a naturopath and talked with friends who are smarter than us. We prayed. And prayed and prayed. I sobbed and felt lower than ever.

Fevers in babies can mean many things. In our case they were worried it meant a blood infection from something she could have picked up coming through the birth canal. Something very dangerous or fatal. The routine is to keep you on antibiotics regardless of the results of all of the testing that they do until they have grown the blood cultures enough to be able to determine if there is something wrong or if it is just a virus (we have all had a pretty rough cold this past week).

Long story short (sorry, this is already long)- we stayed one night, a total of 48 hours and left “against doctors orders” but the Pediatrician on-call was supportive and understanding of us leaving. He gave us lots of instructions of what to do if _______ and actually complimented us on our researching, knowledge and desire to get our daughter to the safest environment we could (re: not a place full of sick babies).

Our ER experience was horrible. But our hospital experience was surprisingly good. They were supportive of me holding Ever while they did her vitals (the ones we didn’t decline), sleeping in bed with her and declining the bassinet or crib that is standard, nursing her on demand and without record and they seemed annoyed but not mean when we declined pretty much everything.

We are still in a scary place. Watching her to be sure that everything she is doing is “her normal” (spitting up normally, eating regularly, not extra tired or extra fussy, regular diapers, etc.) and not anything that we should be alarmed by. Her labs so far are all just fine. Her blood culture was growing Staph but we/they are 99% sure it is just a skin contaminate. The worst of this is the sleep deprivation (I have slept a broken six hours in the past four days but can’t seem to calm myself enough to actually sleep when I can… I just keep watching her to be sure she’s OK) and the anxiety (“did she always cry this much? has she been nursing normally? what is normal when you have only known someone for 2 weeks??).

Today I have been on my own with both girls… an adventure and hard, filled with guilt for what I can’t give to both of them and thankfulness for what I can and where we are- Home.

Filed Under: baby #2

this week…

May 3, 2012 by Autumn 10 Comments

big sister

Someone has been fitting into the role of Big Sister pretty well. Other than she totally loses it anytime Ever cries… so, that’s that.

little sister

This one is too cute and just perfect. We are so, so in love.

And, big news! We had our placenta encapsulated this week too. It was an awesome experience. I can’t wait to share all about it! But for now… sneak peek at the blood and guts

Tree of Life

dehydrated

bubblegum capsules, yum.

Busy first week! Busy that is, sitting on the couch nursing nonstop, and watching Say Yes to the Dress while I eat incredible food that far better cooks than me have made for us. All in all, a pretty successful first week of life for our little Ever and our new family of 4(!).

Filed Under: baby #2

(almost) 4 days in…

May 1, 2012 by Autumn 6 Comments

My last post had an epically long update at the end… and a link to more photos and lots of information and it just, poof, was gone. So here is a summary of what is up with us four days in.

Nolie: I have been most worried about her and she is doing surprisingly well. She is, after all, two years old and just had her whole world totally turned upside down. I think so far we are doing pretty well with keeping our days as normal as we can (not many visitors, actually only one so far and she brought us a heavenly meal and only stayed till it was warmed through) and not give in *too* much to her every request (such as- more TV nonstop, chocolate for dinner and to nurse, nurse, nurse all.day.long.). We are watching a whole lot more TV than usual and eating whatever we are delivered and then snacking the day through without much care or knowledge of normal person eating times (oh? its five PM and we are having lunch? hm…). She is LOVING her baby sister and adores holding her, kissing her and, her all time favorite, nursing at the same time. She requests that more often than not and we have done it a few times, a little uncomfortable but darling for everyone. Basically she is having a little bit of a rough go but handling everything way better than I anticipated. However, I am terrified for how it will all go when Charlie goes back to work. I really have no idea…

Papa: This is hitting Charlie hardest of all I think. He is having to take on ALL of the toddler responsibilities. Errand running with her (DSHS at 8am with a two year old? my hat is off to you sir!), grocery shopping, bedtime/bathtime/mealtime/allthetime. He is getting a piece of what Stay at Home parenting is and realizing quickly is is no cake walk. The first couple of days were especially hard but as he is finding his stride and he and Nolie are bonding further they both seem to be falling into these new roles really well.

Mama: I am physically feeling pretty awesome. Very little bleeding, no tears that needed stitching and I feel close to how I felt at about 6 weeks PP last time. It is really incredible. I am a little thrown off, though I shouldn’t be, at how much longer it is taking my body to bounce back. Last time my belly was looking pretty much flat and back to normal just a few days PP, this time? Not so much. I still look easily 20 weeks along and am a little worried that I will stay that way thanks to all the extra weight I gained. I know a lot of those thoughts are fueled by the postpartum hormone craziness that my body is going through and I am trying hard to stick with really positive self talk and reminding myself that this is REALLY early PP and I need to be exceedingly gentle with myself. Other exciting news? My milk came in! And regulated like… asap. No engorgement, no spraying out just LOTS of milk and two very eager ladies ready to alleviate any excess. My milk coming in has given Ever quite the incentive to be on me all the time. She is nursing about 25min of every hour with a few long sleeps here and there (like, two hours). Night time is kind of a joke the days are all running together at this point. I have started taking my placenta pills and feel a difference from them, maybe it is all in my head but I highly doubt it. And I don’t think it was any coincidence that my milk came pouring in mere hours after taking my first pills.

Ever: She is bliss. Sleeps, nurses and cuddles. Night time is still pretty much the same as daytime but we have had a few stretches of sleep here and there. She loves to nurse and is doing really well with her latch and getting the milk out. She was born weighing 7lbs 8oz and yesterday was at 7 lbs 3oz and my guess is she is back up to birth weight by now thanks to my milk and her voracious appetite. This girl LOVS to nurse.

Our Family: Last time we made the mistake of having lots of visitors right off the bat. This time around we are taking it far more slowly. Other than the day of the birth we have only had one friend visit (for about half an hour) and otherwise we have been just figuring out how to be a little family. I am really thankful to have friends and family who are so respectful and caring of our precious baby moon time. My friends have been incredible in reminding me that no matter how excited everyone is to meet our baby that this time is really short and really special for our family and saying No is not a big deal. I am also remembering just how big of a stretch this growing is and our little family is needing time to figure out how to be loving and respectful to one another even on very little sleep and so much upheaval. Overall we are doing awesome but for sure in the throws of those first days.

We are in LOVE with the photos Merrilee took for us. The birth went so quickly that she didn’t make it in time for the actual birth (texted her at 5cm and 40min later Ever was here! Crazy!) but caught some of the most important first moments for our family. I can’t even begin to say how much I love and treasure these images. To see more of them you can visit HERE!

Filed Under: baby #2, family

That Moment- our baby

April 27, 2012 by Autumn 30 Comments

Our little girl joined us. And? She just might not be a Harbor baby.

7lbs 8oz. 20in long

Born in the water at home after just six hours of labor and minutes of pushing.

Praise God. Praise God. Praise God.

Filed Under: baby #2, growing, home, Our Story

EDD- empathy teaching

April 23, 2012 by Autumn 12 Comments

Today is my due date. I can say with total assurance that I never thought I would be sitting here, April 23rd, without a baby.

Having my first come almost two weeks early and second pregnancies are “typically shorter” along with being prepared for a home birth from 37 weeks on (because, duh, you have to be)… this last bit has felt very long.

BUT I am thankful. Achy, tired, enormous and thankful.

My calling is people. I have always liked waiting tables and making coffee, far more than making money and following a corporate dress code. I like to talk to people, hear their stories, share my own, and make friends wherever I go. After I had Nolie my calling felt far more specific.

I love Moms.

I love connecting Mamas, listening to their woes and triumphs, sharing my own, and being vulnerable and also sharing what I feel like is important in parenting. My Facebook mom group is totally important to me… however dumb that might be. They have opened up an outlet for me to meet women who are struggling through the same issues (be they marriage, motherhood or body related), women who are wanting to give/receive milk for their babies, women who have hearts as true as can be- who give and give and still ask “do you know anyone who needs a meal?” . I love Moms.

I feel like this pregnancy being so different has given me new empathy that I wholeheartedly lacked before. Spending the better part of 20 weeks with Antepartum depression gave me new understanding. I get it when women don’t feel connected with that baby. When they feel like giving up and giving in and just being “done”. I get the failures in parenting a toddler that come with that weight. Post 20ish weeks I fell hard in love with this baby and, it seems, with eating. The anything and the everything. I have a new empathy for Moms who gain more than the “recommended” amount. I am hovering around 50 pounds of weight gain (after eating whatever I wanted, not working out and still only gaining 25 with Nolie)… I have empathy for the “overweight mother” stamp. I have an easy time getting how “it just… happened”.

And now I have another new space to grow and gain empathy… “overdue”. Those dates sit in our head and even though they are pretty much arbitrary they sure carry a TON of weight. Inductions live and die by them. Plans are made with those dates in mind. There is an END and yet… it can be totally off, wrong, inaccurate, pointless.

“When are you due?”

“today.”

oh. . . and yet, more than likely, it won’t be today.

So tomorrow when I am hit with the inevitable question “when are you due?” I get to have the distinct pleasure of answering “yesterday” and watching their faces get awkward… confused… or, the best, empathetic.

Filed Under: baby #2, growing, pregnancy