Zzzzzzz

In the mornings I shake out the comforters and blankets from my bed after the girls have run their feet to their room to check on the dollies. I feel that last of the nights heat in a wind over me. And I can’t help but smile. These are the days.

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Somehow in the space between “My baby has a room. And she’ll sleep in it. ” and “should we start sleeping side ways to fit them all in?” we became co-sleepers. Nolie was in her crib from week four on but has now turned the cozy corner and comes to our bed around 2am and falls deep to sleep curled up to my back. Ever has been in our bed from birth. We started laying her in her own little floor bed around 11mo and she took right to it and sleeps the first half of the night there and then I wake when I hear her little footy pajama feet pad out her room, through the kitchen, and into my bed. I love it. The best of both worlds. Our room and bed is our own till the world is asleep, and then the comfort of hearing the chorus of my deep sleeping family till the sun starts to flood around the shade.

I have found peace in our nights. The times I am awake, and they are many, nursing-cuddling-back rubbing, I pray through our family in thankfulness (have you tried this? Instead of praying for change/people/ease/stuff/whatever I have been just working through a list of family and friends and just thanking God for the attributes and love they just pour out. It always leaves me lighter, and it helps me fall right back to sleep) and try to turn my “OMG YOU CANNOT WANT TO NURSE AGAIN!!” into “This will pass. Meet the need and this will pass.”

It’s been nearly 5 years (next week! What?!) and I have yet to consistently sleep through the night. And, I am okay with that. I am expectantly and excitedly dreaming about that time, but I am staying quiet in the moments now. The time when I can realize; I have easy nursers, loud gigglers, great eaters, and lame sleepers. You win some, you lose some. And each morning I wake up with a snoring husband, a latched on toddler, and a murmuring “loveyoutoooooebberever” preschooler, I feel like the overall is win.

 

Winter Running Essentials

We’ve been doing a nice share of cold weather running lately, and I’ve been slowly growing a little collection of chilly temp approved running wears. This list is full of the stuff I love to wear (no affiliation with any brand) and works well for me. We run around 3-5 miles, and I often go on run/walk workouts with my gal friends and our kiddos all bundled in strollers. So these clothes have been put through the lunge/squat/snag a snack paces and have come out the other side as great! My budget is pretty limited so I have been scouring around for cheaper versions that still work (think: Old Navy, H&M, Costco instead of Lulu, Athleta, and Lucy) but I have no doubt that buying some great products from those brands would mean have running clothes that will last several years as opposed to only a few. But, right now, it’s worth it to find some cozy wears that don’t break my bank.

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A buff! Charlie and I snagged these to wear for our Half Marathon after my brother heartily recommended them (he is a crazy marathoner). You can wear it as a headband (and covers your ears in the cold! SO important!). But what really sold us is that it can be pulled wide over your whole/head and ears and fit underneath (safely) your bike helmet. Since Charlie is a bike commuter this sold him on the kinda higher price! These are often on sale, and I have my eye on one of the fleece ones! Available HEREcn6704117

This top is an Old Navy find that I got a few years ago (I have black!) the finger holes sold me. It’s a perfect layering piece and works great as a top layer in the spring (with a tank underneath) and as a bottom one in the winter. I’ve been wearing this with a little (super nice jacket my Mom got me at Lucy years ago) jacket over the top and always end up in just this piece about half way through the run. I bought mine about a size to big and I actually love how it kind of skims instead of clings and covers my knuckles in the cold. Available HEREhmprod

I’ve been looking for long running tights for quite awhile. The ones I really love are too pricey for me. But these ones are REALLY awesome for a super great deal! They are a little higher waisted and have a nice thick elastic band in them to stays up, tight, and even has a little draw string for extra support. The pocket in the back is large enough for keys but too small for a phone, and the breathable knee backs are awesome and didn’t seem to takeaway from the warmth factor! Available HERE350-100131299-847__1

I just bought these a couple days ago and they are AMAZING. I wouldn’t include them except that I just finished up an icy run and these were awesome and a few other runner buddies have vouched for them too. Bonus? They have little leather technology deals on the finger/thumb so you can access your phone without taking them off. This is paramount if you are an over poster who likes to take pictures of errything on your run… just me? Oh well. Available HERE.

I’ve yet to find the perfect socks, and I’ve been stocking up on good thick headbands so that I can use my buff around my neck… because, brrrrrrr!!!

Me and my super fierce Runner Bud! 1184788_10101108130888870_1660521026272073305_n

3?

Scooping handfuls of hot water onto my face, again and again, baths are where I process. Scooping moments of blur, no thought, calm, hot water.

I am great at decision making in our home. Dinner; Bam! I’ll decide after one quick look in the fridge. Paint? It has never taken me more than five minutes to pick a wall color. I don’t vacillate, I know what I want my end result to be and look like, and choosing the color just makes me feel more sure. I don’t really paint “test” areas, I just paint walls.

In parenthood it’s felt about the same. Being a gentle/attached parent has been a no brainer that has been affirmed time and time again from counseling, my (really fabulous) parents, the results in our kids, science (again and again disproving stuff that has always “felt wrong” to me), and following the gut pull. It hasn’t been a huge choice.

But… family size? I’m struggling.

The pro and con list feels endless. The pragmatic and smart choices feel somewhat obvious, the heart ones feel… much less. I don’t have any of the “tell tale” signs of not being done. I don’t look around and see a lack in our family at all. I feel full and overfull in love with these girls. I love their differences and the sibling relationship they share is a magic one that is untouchable. There isn’t the “someone missing at the table” feeling. But. . .

a baby.

And in my heart, and my endless tears at all babies, births, pregnant women, bands of three siblings cuddled up, I feel it. My hope for them as adults, having close siblings to share their growing up experience with. To have someone to fall back on in hard times, heartache, and once we are old and grey and they need support. Then it feels all muddy again.

Being done. Moving only forward. Toward time away at a couple. Toward sleeping at night. Toward body autonomy and weaning. Toward school, soccer practices. . . so appealing. But, a whole other person. Another little soul in our family to be loved and love. Another body full of spunk, heart, lessons, and camaraderie. . . that feels worth waiting a few more years to move forward. Maybe?

Charlie is in the same back and forth boat as me. Each day more prayers, more conversations, and more thankfulness for the girls we have. We are adoring the phases they are in, and so blown away by their love and change every day. Adding to that feels so big and amazing, and scary and possibly wrong.

The girls however? beg for a sibling each and every day. It’s darling. And, as much as I adore them and take their words to heart. I won’t have a baby for my children, I’ll only have a baby if I feel capable of loving, lovingly parenting, and caring for that baby (if I don’t, we’ll get them a dog instead ;) ).

 

Anyhow. Thats part of my radio silence. We are living life big and full lately. Adventures, rain walks, leaf collecting, hiking new trails, reading endless books, dressing up and cozying in. Celebrating holidays in all the biggest ways we can. And just. . . going! And, thinking. Taking long baths, praying longer prayers, and waiting patiently for some clarity.

Sorry for all the hazy muddy ramblings. I think I need another bath. I’m sure I’ll be back with some DIY projects (we’ve been doing a lot!), a new hair style, or some weird kiddo quotes. But, for now, we’re thinking a lot and living even more.

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Traditions: Pumpkin Patch

Year One: 69865_494766586256_4175302_n

Year Two:307806_879709193820_583087261_nYear Three:

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1069290_10100668462423000_2099827825_nYear Five:

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Also, somehow our three kids (we always pumpkin patch with the same sweet families who have been there through thick and thin, pregnancies, pregnancy scares, and all the booze and popcorn fueled playdates you can imagine) turned into seven over these years.

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Mom Feelings.

I wrote this a few weeks ago. I found it lurking in the drafts and quite nearly deleted the whole thing in one easy click. And wouldn’t that be so beautiful. If those rushing, less than, imperfect moments could all just be clicked away. But, they can’t. They are there. And I would wager that this drowned in dirt and sleeplessness feeling is one that is fleeting but known by every mother. Our sleep has been sparse lately and these feelings run so close to the surface when I’m extra tired.

I told a friend last night “today I just kept thinking, “have I ruined everything?” like.. sleep, attachment, the whole thing.” and she confided back, “yeah, I think that at least once a week. About. . . anything.” And that’s it. When you are engaged, and thinking, and researching, and praying, and asking, and. . . and. . . and. . . it’s really really hard. But, if you are doing that. If you are meeting their needs, and loving them hard, and sitting there, back rubbing, through the screaming, and nursing through the tooth pain of your baby, and cuddling in with those big babies just because they “need some extra time with you”. . . and the hard days, you have not ruined everything.  And you aren’t wrong for putting them first. And you will make it through. And these really are the shortest years. And they are worth this work.

And, as today showed me, there will be different days. Beautiful, overfull to the brim with confidence in your choices, even when they are hard, and the kids just thrive. And you can see the wheels in their beautiful heads just turn turn tun as they figure it all out. All the love, all the attachment, all the closeness. And it’s all worth it. And those baby faces with old old eyes seem like they could blink and be 15, and I could just weep for the loss of years that aren’t even gone yet. Because baby hood, all five years of it, are so heartbreakingly beautiful.

***

I scooped armfuls of clutter from the back of the car. I have two dirty secrets. One is that I had never taken my kids to the dentist, the other is that for all my tidy home keeping… the car. The car is a mess.

There are layers of banana chips, jars full of dirt (Ever?), old baby dolls, endless clothing changes, dirt and mud covered pants from fall’s, so many pairs of shoes, and lost socks. Books discarded, library borrows sulking in the back corners, and abandoned muffins we shouldn’t  have bought and couldn’t afford but splurged on anyway… near needlessly.

Yesterday was a hard day. A day where I doubted my choices. Doubted that I was the best Mom for my kids. Where I couldn’t leave the house. Where my brain went ten thousand miles and hour and wouldn’t slow down with thoughts of “I love them so much!” “I am so deeply tired.” “when will I ever be alone again?” and I let the thoughts grow with speed. With spin. With a tornado of weight that made it destructive and pointless and heartbreaking when the dust settled.

It settled around three crying girls. Appologies pouring from my lips. Tears dropping from my eyes. And wise words from Nolie. “it’s okay Mama, everyone had hard days sometimes. That’s why tomorrows are nice.”

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deep love for this 102 year old lady(home).


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Grass green, pale pink, sky blue, flowered wall paper, linear “Roberts” flowers, those are the layers we’ve discovered under our white paint in the office. They are all so beautiful, and sitting here, thinking about all the people and families who poured their style, taste and love, into our 102 year old home. . . I’m awed and don’t want to cover it all up (now that each chipping layer is exposed on one portion, of one small wall).

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Chipping away these flies on the wall of our homes history, wondering about all the previous owners, and thinking about the decades… century (!) of love and memories  etched into each layer.

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The deepest layer of wall paper is paper bag brown with beautiful botanical book style flowers on it, and I am imagining it was once a sweet nursery full of golden books read by a darling chubby cheeked little baby girl, and a spindly white cradle rocking next to to the beautifully framed window where my gangly girls now hang out their bob haired heads to yell for they neighbor boys to come over.

And, the newest layers. The chalk walls, first words written and sounded out, serious stares of sleepy shuttered eyes. And of two sisters. Who are leaving big love and memories and marks.

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I have fallen deeply for this home. Over, and over, and over again.

And am proud to hang a bit of it’s history in on my walls.

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long weekend love.


We’ve been living this weekend, and it feels good and slow and bright and just right. And there are still a couple days left. I’m so full.

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And eating well. Those quiches, yes. Forever and always.

ombre!

So, yeah, my blog is pretty much becoming a chronicle of my ever changing hair and home. But, that’s just where I’m at!  Lots of home DIY, fun hair changes, and the daily grind of kiddos. I really couldn’t be happier, things feel really good right now. And I am feeling that readiness for Fall, routine, coziness, nesting, and all things pumpkin. And this hair, this feels like I’m ushering in Fall in a big way.

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I feel cozy, fresh, and best of all; Just like myself again.

Tape, Paint, Be Happy!

A couple nights ago we were bemoaning our lack of art on the walls. Our big, bare, tall, white, walls. I was pursuing pintrest and came across a few pins with fun graphic paint treatments.

A small back story; Charlie painted all three of our bedrooms in record speed the night before we officially moved in. . . it didn’t go well. They have giant drips, and huge imperfections. They are also lath and plaster so they have weird stripes. Our hope was that getting some art up there would distract from it.

We aren’t bright wall people. Not usually. I have a clean, cozy, photos everywhere kind of aesthetic so it was a little odd to be so drawn to such a graphic and bright idea. But, Charlie pounced on my moment of “hummm maybe?” and we just went for it.

We taped, randomly all over one wall of our office. Not a lot of thought, just knowing we wanted some bigger spots and some smaller shapes, all straight lines, and a few pops of color.

Photo on 8-12-14 at 7.47 PM(a photo booth picture of our wall roughly nine minutes after we saw a pin of this idea)

When it was done getting taped Charlie went to town with a roller of dark grey and I set to painting a few accent shapes. No rhyme or reason, we were working to beat the bedtime clock, and just going.

Photo on 8-12-14 at 8.59 PM

I could not be happier with the outcome!

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It did change the whole feel of the room so we are going to rethink the desk/shelving that we currently have but it gave the PERFECT pop of bright, fun, modern color. And it was SO easy. The whole project took an hour from start to finish.

In fact, we were so happy with it. . . that this happened the next night.

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Our girls have been asking for a “pink and sunny!” room for ages. And short of painting the walls a hot pink (their pick) I couldn’t figure out a way to give them what they were asking for. Both ladies were thrilled with the office wall and were game when we suggested doing a sunburst on their wall in pinks!

So we didn’t hesitate.

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They. Love. It.

A few tips we found along the way;

1. When you lay your tape press hard along each edge and work quickly so you can get your paint on soon after your tape. The tape seems to get less tacky/stuck to the wall after about an hour, and the edges look a little peely, so getting it prepped and painted speedy works to your advantage.

2. Pull the paint away from the tape. So when you brush brush into the shape instead of out of.

3. Pull your tape immediately after you are done painting, before it is dry.

4. Don’t try this on textured walls :/

There are a few spots that are imperfect, esp if you look close, and a couple of bigger shapes that could use a second coat (and, when we have the time, we’ll get around to it). But overall this was a super quick way to make a huge impact. We have plans for the rest of the walls too and are gonna get started tonight! Hopefully I have a little room reveal to share at some point!

Feels good to get some color into our sweet home!

abundance.

Our little home has given us quite a lot. Room to grow, security, fresh inspiration, roots, and most recently; an endless bounty of foraging fun. We have blue berries, strawberries, mint, rosemary, apples, grapes, and some fruit we can’t quite figure out. . . .looks like a huge cherry tastes like a tiny peach?

Regardless. I am feeling the love for our little home today. 10492116_10100993583832090_875959782473656188_n

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{also, that little mudroom bench is one of my favorite reclaimed pieces Charlie has made.

It is just so soft and worn, perfect fit, and holds tiny feet with tired bodies with so much ease.}