bold.

 

 

 

{I originally wrote this as a short post on my Facebook mom group. But as I wrote it I realized the real challenge to be bold, vulnerable, true and myself was to put it here. This is the baby book. And these are the moments. Body be damned. This moment is beautiful despite and because.}
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This picture came up on my screen as the photos uploaded and I dissolved. I didn’t know Charlie had snapped it. Ever and I took awhile to find our groove. She and I are so similar it’s hard to find the groove, the place we sync up and just hum together. We are dissonance, fire, ice and sometimes just clash. Nursing is our saving grace but finding ways to connect that don’t include that has taken a lot of work. This bath, the playing and chatting, the warmth and skin to skin… it was the perfect illustration of how far we’ve come. Finding each other in our similarities and me finding how to love her, love the things in me I’ve cut down as “bad” and seeing them in her and knowing they are good, in both of us. I was hesitant and really worried about adding a second child to our family; could I love another baby so much? could I mother well and give enough to her? would it throw off our family even though we felt so complete? I had so many doubts. But this girl has brought It out in us all. The fire, spunk, fun, bright grins, and neon love. This is nothing more than a big fat lovey brag on this girl. And a moment of bold for me. I wasn’t going to post this anywhere. Backfat, rolls, a body I hardly recognize. But what is happening here is too beautiful to hold back out of a fear that holds no place in my heart.

Comments

  1. You know I love this! Figuring out how to connect with each separate child, how to cherish and promote the differences between and among them, is a challenge with infinite rewards. Kudos to you for navigating those tricky spaces with grace and charm. And? Wow, Mama, you are stunning!
    Heather Davidson recently posted..“Hands up! Nobody move!”My Profile

  2. This. It’s how I felt with my firstborn. We are so alike, such similar souls, that it was a challenge to find our balance together, homeostasis. It’s still hard sometimes: the older he gets, the more I see him worrying like I did (still do) or being self-critical (yep, still do that too). I just want him to soar above the insecurities he inherited from me. Thank you for being bold because in your boldness, you’re opening doors for those that haven’t dug into the pain of these hurts. Or at least haven’t put a name to them yet. Bravo, mama.
    Tricia recently posted..a new place to writeMy Profile

  3. All aspects of your body look so beautiful in this photo!

  4. “Neon love”….I love that! My second is due in two weeks and Im having all kinds of feelings about adding this new person into our tightly woven family…. Great post and beautiful photo!

  5. As always, Autumn… Thank you. Just thank you.

    <3 <3 Love this so much. The "neon love" also stood out to me. Love how you use words so much. It's like your painting with them, rather than just speaking.
    LittleOwlCrunchyMomma recently posted..Does BREASTFEEDING work as BIRTH CONTROL? (Yes? No? Maybe…?)My Profile

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