So, when we decided we wanted to have kids I knew that there were lots of things that would die along with that choice (and tons of new life too, but some death would accompany that). I knew that I would lose out on sleep, ‘me time’, my ideal body, time alone with my hubs, etc. The reality? It was a bigger slap in the face than I could have imagined. I had been told about the sleepless nights but experiencing them was a new kind of unimaginable hell (my first was a terrible sleeper from 4mo on). The new body? completely caught me off guard and is taking a ton of work to change and love. Lack of alone time? It shocked me with the first and feels almost normal now with baby number two.
But, I am happy. Really, exceptionally tired, and happy. Thankful. Filled. Loved and focused on my kids first, for now. They rocked my world and reshaped it, as well they should have! They are tiny, needy, helpless infants in the grand scheme of things. Even now that one is firmly rooted in her kid’ness and the other into her ‘babyhood’ they are both SO. young.
All that to say. My expectations were stupid and the idea that you SHOULD sleep through the night, have time alone (with yourself or your husband), that you DESERVE to keep your own body, etc. etc. etc. Those are all expectations that I needed to let die for at least a few years (seems like three or so). They are rife with entitlement and don’t take into account the dying to self that we need to do for God, love and our kids.
There will be endless time to sleep, workout, date and be alone. For now, I am giving it up and letting those things fall in where they may (a Saturday morning break here and there, a run alone in the evening, an hour long date because that’s as long as that baby can be happy without me for, etc. The time is there even if I don’t schedule it.)
I am finding love in family dinners. Romance in a family date. And relationship, love and long conversations, can be forged even when there is a nursing baby between you.
This time is short. So, so short. Ever is a tiny (itty bitty, brand new) baby. And her needs should trump mine. So for now, (and likely for always but it won’t be such a draw), she is the trump. Nolie is the trump. Boundaries are set, limits are there but the default? yes! the default is an emphatic, Yes!
Will you play this? Yes!
Will you rock me? Yes!
Will you help me sleep? Yes!
Will you nurse me? Yes!
Yes, my darling girls. When you can articulate these needs in words and when they are only cries (the one way you have to communicate sweet Everbee), Yes!