green eyed monster

Yesterday morning I fell into that hole. The one where everyone has it easier and their grass isn’t only greener but it is manicured, growing pretty flowers and self weeding. Working Moms who get to leave for the day, Moms who get to have sweet side jobs and family who can do child care. Moms who have a good reason to get dressed each morning, interact with lots of other adults, and come home and be excited to see their kids. Moms who have husbands who work from home. Moms who have their own mothers close by- those moms have the technicolor green. Everyone had it better than me. Or so it felt.

I won’t get into the debate of working vs. SAHM because it isn’t worth it. We all work hard. Very, very hard.

What I will get into is how obnoxious my attitude was. I wasn’t fun to play with. I wasn’t worth talking on the phone to. I was mean and angry and frustrated no matter what. I was annoyed with Nolie acting her age. I was frustrated with my lack of a clean kitchen. Upset that I couldn’t pull it together.  I called and got mad at Charlie for no good reason. I over reacted when Nolie wouldn’t listen to me. I got upset that Ever wouldn’t just be happy laying on the floor and wanted only my arms. 

And then the comparison set in… So and so gets to have a fun job and still be with her kids all the time. So and so has lost all the baby weight and still eats donuts. So and so can just head over to her Moms house and get help with her babies at the drop of a hat. And then my joy slipped away… my frustration got bigger, my fuse got shorter and my parenting skills got duller.

I ruined my own morning. and then these little words slipped out of Nolies mouth…

“sorry you were mean and frustrated. you need a moment?“

Well, like  a ton of bricks, the mouths of babes, all that. . .

Yes, I need a moment. A moment of stillness in all the puzzle playing, artwork creating, meal planning, dish washing, laundry folding, endless sweeping and chore doing. A moment even when it feels like  I “do nothing” all day. I still need that moment.

When Charlie got home I took  a bath. I laid there it the silence that pounding water affords and prayed. Was still and just listened. Took that moment and faced my family ready to interact, love and talk. I have been feeling a little like I am drowning. Coming up for needed breath here and there, but just enough to keep splashing. Not enough to swim or find anything sturdy to put my feet on.

But tomorrow is our anniversary. Tomorrow we will spend some time alone and make  a plan. A plant to find solid ground amidst the whirlwind of two kids.

Here’s to stability, alone time, couple time and plan making. Here is to prayer, priorities and quick realizations. Here’s to grow-grow-growing always.

And there is the real green eyed monster of the house.