the end times

These last few nights we have been living it up. Nothing expensive, planned or crazy… just very in the moment. Less time on the Internet or reading and more time just playing together. Running around the yard, getting our hands in the dirt, talking with our little one, kissing a whole lot and not talking to many people outside of this bubble of three. Willingly donating more than we should, handing off dollar bills even if we know they aren’t going to something “worthy”. Just letting go and having each of our interactions be ones that leave us having given love.

It has been bliss.

Knowing that our days are numbered and wanting each night to be one that ends so brightly that it would serve as a worthy memory as our last day as three.

It has been pretty much accidental. I think the reality of how imminent birth is has hit us (be that tonight or three weeks from now) in some way that we didn’t realize and we both just turned inward to our family.

Tonight Charlie remarked on it. How beautiful it has been. How obvious and full our emotions are and how much Nolie (and us!) are thriving in this version of living. And then he made the connection that we should have made far sooner…

This is how we are called to always be living. We know that Jesus is coming. He told us He was coming. It isn’t a surprise… it is just waiting. Living in total anticipation.

It is why we should be giving away our money and time to those who ask. It is why I should spend less time on Facebook or reading and more time listening to Nolie and her constant stream of words. It is why we are meant to be loving first and always and serving without question. Anticipation might be neck and neck with gratitude.

When I live expectantly I live more fully. More excited about each piece on my plate instead of seeing the whole and being overwhelmed by how big it is. When I live in anticipation of someone coming my home is rosy and my back yard is played in. My daughter is hugged, kissed, cuddled and loved even more and my heart is bursting. My sadness and hormonal highs and lows gets addressed, cried through, talked through and MOVED through. Nothing sits on the back burner, because who knows when we will get to it if we wait?

All this to say… God is really teaching our little family during this time that can feel really frustrating. I want her to be here. I want to know our story. I want all the answers. But I have no control over it… I only know it is all looming. And that in that we are really living. Living.

I want to grab tight to this anticipation and remember it and even after she is here I want to be able to pour this out on our day to day. Live knowing that He is coming. And just like with this baby, I know He will come but I don’t know when. I need to be loving, giving and accountable to all of it, at any moment.