Well, Monday brought with it the infamous 35 weeks= 35 days till due date . . . while last time that made me feel very, OH MY GOSH THAT IS SO SOON! This time it feels much more like, no.way.can’t.go.that.long.
I know it could be two weeks or seven weeks. I am steeling myself for the long haul because chances are, since everything is basically ready and I feel very done, this baby won’t arrive till the very end of her window. Who knows? (not me, bleh)
But this time instead of just 35/35 I get to (sarcasm!) add an additional 35 to this… yep, 35 pounds gained. Technically it is somewhere between 33-40 depending on scales. Last time I gained 27 total. I have left last time in the dust… weeks ago. I am overwhelmed by the number. I am annoyed with myself for caring about a number. And still I am terrified of the next number(s)…because there is still time and still gaining happening.
I have started a new workout plan and hopefully will keep it up till the end of my pregnancy and I will for sure UP it after this baby comes (after a few weeks, obviously!) for lots of reasons. I am uncomfortable in my skin at this size. I want to feel strong and capable and working out gives me that and also because, for me, working out makes a HUGE difference in my emotional state. So along with making plans for post birth clothes and postpartum wardrobe changes, I am starting to make plans now for postpartum exercise that will be safe, not take me away from my baby and that WORKS.
So here I am… all 300.000 pounds of baby and me. I know this is kind of a downer of a post… I am trying to be honest, get those ugly words out and then keep on trucking with positive thinking. But today (and the past few days) have been really hard and reconciling that number and that it has nothing to do with my worth has been a feat. So today I am trying to declare it done and let this post be the graveyard for those thoughts.
ps. I, in no way, think that gaining 35+ pounds is a big deal in and of itself. My problems stem from my own issues, I know many (many many) women gain far more than that and look incredible, are healthy, and maintain a healthy weight postpartum (in a healthy time frame). This post is more about my own insecurities than it is a commentary on how huge 35pounds feels.