my then "25"
A strange part of being a young Mom is that all my friends went on growing up in a normal speed around me. I however, married young, got pregnant young, and am now growing my family young too. This usually doesn’t hit me, I don’t notice the age difference in huge ways. I have gravitated toward people who are older than me nearly all the time. Growing up with siblings that are far older than me (9,10 and 13 years) I have always felt more comfortable with people who are older than me. But in college I made a tight group of girlfriends who were all my age or younger. We were close in the way that only college girls can be.
Drinking together, sharing secrets and sobbing over family-boys-futures-traveling-dreams-jobs-and everything that felt life and death at the time. We were making memories that were hazy with rum but only ours and could only be referenced with a knowing look of “you had to be there”. We were inseparable. Creating theme parties each weekend, texting and messaging all the time, experiencing the bars together in the way that is only possible if you make it to last call, and we always made it to last call. Hugging, kissing, trading clothes and keeping track of each others phones-wallets-ID’s and safety nearly ever Friday-Sunday. I had that and loved those girls… then I got pregnant. Those girls became the incredible, beautiful fun aunties that every little girl could ever dream of. But, we did grow into different directions.
They are becoming professionals, pursuing further education, figuring out long term relationships, partying, staying out till dawn and spending there hard earned money wherever they want to (as well they should!). I am staying home, haven’t been drunk in over three years and haven’t danced till I got kicked out of the bar in even longer than that. I am cleaning poop off of the floor, preparing tiny meals for a picky little girl, rocking in a 50 year old chair in the wee hours and all day long too, my body isn’t my own and hasn’t been for a few years now, I am aching and sore from growing a baby and getting ready to face birth (again).
It is easy to feel that the grass is greener. I miss that life sometimes, I miss being the age I am- even though I am it. Does that make any sense? I am 25 and living the life of 30-35 and missing what being “25″ means today. Most of the time I don’t really think of it, I have incredible Mama friends now who “get it” when I say I am tired. Who understand what an “all nighter” really is. I have friends who understand just how important one glass of wine can be and know how ever life giving a single hour alone in a coffee shop can feel. But I miss my girls sometimes. I miss what I am not anymore.
It is hitting me hard today. Because today is one of those rare days that only happens in movies, a day where I know exactly where I would be if I hadn’t married Charlie and hadn’t gotten pregnant with Nolie and now Harbor. I woke up half in a dream that I was starting that day… and then my little girl padded into our room at 5:30am asking to “nurse a mama now? peeease?” and I lay and nurse for an hour wondering what I would have packed had today been the day it might have been…
I would have a Facebook status that read: 4 Hours to Vegas, Baby! and I would be prepping for my first trip to Sin City. I would have suitcase packed with tiny Forever21 dresses and sky high heels that I would likely lose in a bar or a long walk back to a hotel. I would have a tiny bikini and no sunscreen. A bottle of something hid away hoping I could get it onto the plane. I would have cash, so much cash (probably from tips from my waitressing job)- nearly all dedicated to Champagne and not much food (one buffet a day should do it, right?). I would have my journal and an easy way to lock my phone so that I wouldn’t call anyone when I had drank too much. I would have an iPod packed with Katy Perry and Aqua primed to get ready in the hotel room with far too much eye liner and just enough rum. I would arrive and be buzzed from the airplane, quickly change into something too low cut and tight. Then I would kiss my girl friends, drink a bottle of champagne while we reapplied too much makeup and walked out to whatever club we were starting at. And I would have, what would feel like, the time of my life.
I miss it in some way, I miss being that close and that … 25. Instead my 25 today has looked like this.
Mr. Rogers and scrubbing my bathroom with a tiny toothbrush. Praying and trying to observe lent however hard it is for me this year. Making coffee for the first time is six days because I have been too tired, exhausted, pregnant, and sick to make it to the kitchen for food let alone coffee. Cleaning out the tub because Nolie pooped in it and then wanted another bath. Stretching pants, that are at capacity, over hips that feel like they might just burst apart they are growing so wide. And eagerly awaiting 4pm when my knight will burst through the door and usher us out into the back yard to measure and plot around our garden. He will help Nolie on her big wheel and I will pull a few weeds till I have too many contractions and have to head inside for water and feet up. I may have half a glass of wine with a dinner my sweet husband will make. After dinner we will put the baby to bed, snuggle under the covers and possibly share some chocolate sorbet while we wait for the season finale of Downton Abbey to load and I talk at length about my day, and my thoughts and he will do the same. I will fall asleep with the same guy I have for the past, almost, four years. Kiss goodnight the same man I have for the past, almost, eight years. And in the morning I will remember it all and do it all again.
It is hard to know what I would be doing. It is hard to know what I am missing and it is easy to wish my life away. Wish for what feels and looks easier to me now. But I remember that time and it was far from easy, far from comfortable and far from what I wanted. I wanted what I have now.
I dreamt of this. I want this gem of a family, this cute and loving husband who cares about my wants and needs and growth, this girl who needs me and loves me without question, this kicking little Harbor in my womb who is pushing out and out more each day. I am living my dream but some days I need to write it all out just to remember that.
my now 25
To my girls, have the time of your life. Have an extra bottle of champ for me (and make it strawberry if you can find it). Dance and bend in half on my behalf, but don’t get kicked out- unless it is the last night. And take a billion pictures so you can remember it more clearly, more crisp and more perfected. You will be Mamas one day and this trip will mean the world to you and the girls, no matter where we are- in stages and relationships, in geography and experience… we will always have memories and tonight you start a new one. Soak up this 25. I love you guys.
Autumn-
I think we will always question what would have happened had we taken another path. I am finishing up school (a total of six years in college), living with my boyfriend, and shopping for a house. Life is wonderful, but there is always the “what if”…. I think you perfectly express the sentiment that keeping the “what if” small, and to be happy with the choices we have made. Not to be too cliche but sometimes I thank god for unanswered prayers.
-Geneva
Just think, you’re young enough to be chasing Nolie around & having fun with her, when your friends come to have kids they may be a little older, a little more tired & have not quite as much energy as you. At that point you will have older kids, perhaps a little more surplus cash & can have the time of your life with your knight! We can always find a downside to every path we take in life, however I think what you have chosen is far more important & rewarding…
Hanna recently posted..Strike a pose
i can completely relate to this post. gage was born 5 days after my 23rd birthday. and now at 27, i am the mama to an almost five year old and a 15 month old. there are times when i feel like i’m 15, and other times when i feel 50. but when it all comes down to it, i’m glad i had children young. i have tons of energy to play with them, and i still feel like i’ll be relatively young when they move off to college.
Deanna recently posted..what about me?
hahahah i totally wish i was that party-no-kids 25 that you’re talking about! nope i just work 40-50 hours a week, barely keep my house clean, get paid crap, can barely pay my student loans and rarely do anything fun…. it’s interesting how different all of our lives at the same age. but i guess you’re right, a lot of the times the grass is always greener. but all in all i’m happy with the decisions i’ve made up to this point. i’m happy that i’m waiting to get married and have kids, so i can enjoy some independence and figure out who the hell i am. i guess it’s not that bad!! (but i still wish i were going to vegas to dance my ass off and lay out in the sun with a mojito!!)
oh, my, GOODNESS.
how did you know EXACTLY how i feel?!!! no, seriously.
i have this group of college girls, that are doing their professional thang, with happy hours, vacations, and promotions…..new houses, nice cars, and parties……..while i change diapers and chase a toddler — in my day 4 hair, applying dry shampoo so i can feel ok about myself
i can’t believe HOW MUCH i can relate to this post.
i’m constantly battling my desire to be them, yet accept i’m not. and when i sit back and be still, i’m reminded of how happy i am.
i think it’s just so important that we have our mommy groups
if i lived closer to you, i know i’d bring a bottle of wine right over, even in my day 4 hair
lindsey recently posted..distractions.
GREAT post. I was nodding the whole time! Jony and I have talked at length about what could have been if we’d decided to hold off on family, but I’m so happy we went with the choices we did. It’s definitely an interesting aspect of being young parents, though (I’m 25, too
)
Vera recently posted..Wordless Wednesday
Dear friend, I’m in that 30-35 yr category. I think of how blessed you are to be having kids now. That when your kids go off to college and get married and have their own kids you will likely have much energy and life to live and to give. This life we live – of sacrificing ourselves and giving of our time, love, energy, sleep, comfort for the sake of others – this is full, meaningful life. A life of great rewards to last beyond our lifetimes. A life of sacrifice a little bit lile the One who sacrificed everything for a greater joy.
Love you Autumn!
I now realized that you should be married at the age of 20 to 25 years. So that you can still relate to your kids. Isn’t it fun? You and your kid looks like just siblings.
Ynna recently posted..Happy New Year To All Of You And Hope You Like The Aquarium Fish Photos Here …
Hey Autumn, you were a gorgeous, gorgeous woman pre-baby/family/etc but I’m gonna just say this… There’s something so much MORE about you now. You just radiate exactly the same amount of beauty as before with something EXTRA that makes me admire you like no other. You may not be rich in free time or spontaneity but you’re rich in everything that really matters.
Oh wow this is such an interesting post! I actually did the reverse of what you did… I was in a relationship for ten years from high school until I was 24 and was very domestic- I think I drank one beer in all of college. I fully expected to get married and be a young mom but then that relationship slowly fell apart and I realized I wanted to do some sewing of wild oats… so grad school and my late twenties were full of travel and partying and making friends. I got married to my sweet husband at 30 and now at 33 have a one year old which I guess is pretty typical. I do sometimes wish I’d been that “young mom” I always thought I’d be- mostly just so I’d have more time to consider having more babies
It’s funny though that I’m actually still the first of my group to have a kid even at my ripe old age, so I totally still do have moments of “oh, they’re all out having fun and I’m on my hands and knees scraping food off the floor”. Thank you so much for sharing this!
Mama {Lilly} Smith recently posted..Coastal
I can absolutely relate to this post. I think we could be friends. I’m also 25, have 3 kids, married at 19 and LOVING my life. I made these choices because this is the life I want to lead.
PS- I am crafty too and love your Foolish Designs. We should meet sometime! I totally sound like a stalker lol! I just really think we could vibe
Amanda Brown
That would be awesome! Are you in town (on the Mama network?). I would love to playdate!
Autumn recently posted..trust.