We are getting into the planning stages, the fun parts, the collecting stuff feeling the weight and reality of this. I am about a month and a half away from full term… Charlie and I sorted through all of Nolies newborn clothes and washed, folded and put away all these (tiny, tiny, tiny, “up to seven pounds”) itty bitty sleepers, onesies and pants. I sobbed. That was unexpected, to me, I have been crying over hulu ads and seeing little old couples walking past our house for but when it comes to clothes… I don’t know. I just haven’t been sentimental. I never cried over boxing up Nolie’s clothes as she out grew them but going through those pieces and remembering that it was SO recently that she fit into them, it just killed me. I cried and cried. The reality that we are going to be bringing another whole person into this world and into our home… it felt weighty and huge. Exciting and overwhelming. Beautiuful and, best of all, I feel really ready to meet her. Really in love with my Harbor girl already.
Our plans this time around are far less rigorous. No long birthing class, no evenings dedicated to breathing and pressure techniques, no journaling daily to my baby,I have asked a great friend to make me a birth mix and am trying to relax into this. Trust into this. But we are doing so smartly. While our planning and prep work are far lighter we are putting more bang into our buck. Having a birth preference plan that will account for possibly having to labor and delivery in the hospital, having a doula who is well versed in hospital protocol and is respected in the birth community, a birth refesher day with an incredible birth educator that will take place in the quiet of our own home (baby free!).
And best of all, most important of all, is trying to set my eyes on the great parts, the exciting pieces and the glee I have over getting to do this again. I have no doubt I can weather labor and delivery in my home, I just want the chance. My anxiety sits fully in the worry of my choices vanishing, of history repeating and not being able to be in the peace of my own home or the birth center. But, BUT, I am letting that go. Slowly, every day in tiny pieces. With planning, with knowledge, with research and with prayer- so much prayer. Prayer for a healthy babe, a head down babe, a chin tucked babe, a restorative time and a birth that connects me even closer with my God, my body, and my husband. I am praying all of this in faith, faith that He answers my prayers and hears my heart. Faith that He has a plan and that I will be Thankful in it no matter what.
Be Thankful, always.
That is on a chalk board in my home. I am trying to let that resonate and bounce in my head as much as possible, knowing that all my plans and hopes aside, His plans will be the ones that prevail. And I will be Thankful. And I will be Thankful. And I will be Thankful.
I am feeling huge, ready and so much more tired than last time. We were horribly sick this week, all three of us came down with a stomach flu that just kicked us over and over again. Luckily it seems to be lifting. Charlie, after two sick days (his only two, crap), seems to be feeling quite a bit better. Nolie is seeming better mostly but still pretty clingy and lethargic, her appetite is starting to come back but still sticking to the BRAT diet for now. And I am still pretty out of it. Not puking any more but just fatigued… could have something to do with the giant belly, inability to sleep comfortably, and the hilariously active baby in my womb. Who knows?
Thats where we are… planning, praying and preparing. And getting so, so, so excited to meet this little Harbor baby. She is a gem already and blowing our mind with how responsive she is our voices and how sweet she and her sister are already. I get teary even thinking about it. They are the shine in my days, just perfect.
Also? This quote hit me hard last time around. This time too.
For some reason, with this spring time girl, remembering to Bloom feels ever important.