Something happened when I had my “I am healthy” revelation. I felt horrible the next day. Big, gross and like my clothes didn’t fit. And then I had another revelation- I have to choose Thankfulness and Joy.
If left to my own devices I am a pretty snarky and sharp person. I can be sunny with the best of them but my optimism runs out by noon and I am left not really liking anyone and least of all myself. I can find the worst and ugliest in every part of myself and I am far more comfortable in that spot than any other. There is some quote about smiling being hard and frowning being easy- That pretty much embodies me. And for too long I have taken the easy route (re: frowny).
Being sad and grumpy about my body, money, amount of time alone with Charlie and too short of naps does absolutely nothing to help me grow closer to God, closer to Charlie or into a better Mama. So, what is the point in it? It feels good to wallow, to be bummed and to give into every desire I have to sabotage my health and joy. But I know I am made for joy and made to pick it up and put it on every morning. Some days it is easy and light, other times I know it will be a fight.
Starting a few days ago I have been choosing to feel less. . . stabby and more. . . smiley and though sometimes if feels like a joke, most of the time it actually works after a little bit. And rubs off on Nolie and on Charlie too.
Another awesome thing that happened recently was the discovery of The Five Minute Date. Charlie and I were walking without Nolie for about five minutes and we had So.Much.Fun. I danced around and he took some pictures, we chatted, laughed and just enjoyed each others company solidly for a few minutes. It was awesome. We were able to reconnect, look each other in the eyes, kiss slowly (and without tiny eyes watching) and play. We are making this a goal for our everyday life. To take those Nolie free minutes (nap time, independent play, after bed time, etc.) and just focus on one another in a way that can feel hokey but results in giddy-newlove-glee! feelings.
Here are some more pictures from our 5 minute date-a-palooza. In case you can’t tell- I am totally embracing my body and soaking up some fun doing it. I think that even a week ago I wouldn’t have done this. . . “someone will see me!” “I can’t dance.” “I look gross in skirts this short.” “DON’T take that picture!” This time? so much fun. The whole time.