settling.

I have lamented my weight, arm size, belly’s size, thigh size and everythingelsesize for so long. I am not someone who loses weight easily. Working out and eating healthfully do not a size four make, for me. Working out like crazy and keeping my caloric intake at 1400 do create some change but still, not much.

I have realized, fairly recently, that the lie I tell myself is that I am doing it all so I can be “healthy”. That if I were smaller then I would be healthy. If I didn’t have  a little belly (arm,butt,thigh,everything) then I would be healthy. That is a lie.

I can run for 4 miles and feel good when I am finished (and that will be up to six miles by the end of this month! 10k, here I come!).

I can carry Nolie around all day and bounce her all nap time (two hours) and still feel capable of washing all the dishes after I make the dinner.

I can plan, shop for and make healthy veggie filled meals nightly. And I do, do this!

I can water, weed and tend my garden and pull out great food from it and put it directly on our plates.

I can dance.

I can sing.

I can jump and hop.

I think my body is settled. This is the size I fall into when I am healthy and happy. Happiness and eating are tied together for me- when I am happy I am baking, cooking and drink concocting with friends and family. And, when I am healthy, I am about 5-10lbs bigger than I deem “healthy”.

For years I have told myself that the reason for hating my body, beating it with (excessive)exercise and dieting was because I wanted to be honoring Gods gift and design. I used God as a means to make myself feel like it was right to have this off balance view of how important my size was. I am realizing, partially thanks to the 1000 gifts book, that Thankfulness for my body is not conditional. I am thankful for how strong my legs feel when we push up that last hill no matter how big they are. I am thankful for my back holding me up when I stand and bounce Nolie for hours on end. I am thankful for the curve of waist to hip that serves as a perfect seat when my girl is scared and needs to be held. My body is made well and a gift at this size. I think God has settled and made me this size on purpose. Not as a mistake. And that? big news to me.

There would be nothing healthy about me not eating lunch at the table with Nolie because I need to “save my calories” for dinnertime. There would be nothing healthy about me forgoing a night of cuddling with Charlie in bed while we read our books because I didn’t run far enough that morning. There might be a size four at the end of all of that, but health? not so much.

My body is healthy and strong and getting more fit every day. It has settled at a size and weight that I am realizing isn’t so bad. It isn’t my “ideal” but it is the place that I am in when I am healthy in mind and fit in body.

I am settling into this size and space and feeling pretty darn good about it. After running four miles yesterday and then drinking a delicious mojitto with friends in our back yard it hit me- This is health.

Balance is health. I believe that God is bringing me into a season of balance and it is so good. Balancing motherhood and self. Balancing Love and relationship with growth and refinement. And- giving a lot of control up and letting balance come in the wake of that.

I think some pages are turning and possibly chapters are ending in the book of my battle with body. I couldn’t be happier with the conclusions.